How I cried!!!

Today I can think of her without feeling a knife cut through my heart. It is only a week after my dearest nurse, Toh, passed away. The last few weeks was so full of grieve that I lost my smile and my joy. My mind keeps telling me that she is in a better place..but my heart still bleeds. I cannot remember when was the last time I shed tears in public but last few weeks, I was not able to control them at all. The thought of the suffering that Toh was going through, the thought of not seeing her again...these thoughts are unbearable. My dear dear Toh, it is so so hard to say good bye to you.

It was too sudden. In a short span of 10 days, you died because your body cannot cope with the disease. Many of us who worked with you felt it was too soon, too drastic..too much to bear. We began to mourn even before you left. The sight of your fragile body took our breath away. We yearned to give you a stronger body, a better lung...we wanted to share your pain...all we could do was to stay by you, holding and comforting you. 

But in all the suffering, I saw many goodness. I remembered the day we decided to kidnap you from the hospital. All of us were so pissed off with the hospital, you deserved better care. Ironically, boss, me and Mani ( a Mosleem, Hindu, Christian) decided to kidnap you ( a Buddhist). Looking back, it was beautiful wasn't it? We are so 1Malaysia in a way...no matter what our background is, no matter what we believe, we spoke the language of love....and that is all that matters. We came together to care for someone who meant so much to us. The other nurses are fantastic Toh, they came and offer to care for you...Mani, Lilien, Sharon, Siew Choo,Loi, Sya, Azim, Rachel, Farra, Eza...all of them love you so much. I know Emily and Idayu saw you before you came home.Jan, Mizah called from afar to find out about you. Dr Ednin, Dr Sylvia, Dr Zee Nee, Lynn and her family, other staffs in Hospis all wanted to reach out to you. Dr Loh, Dr Tan, Dr Lalitha..those from other hospices grieved as well. Toh, see the people you have touched over the years...see how much you are loved....you are special.

Your family finds it hard to take you home. There was still a tinge of regrets on the first day. Your poor son and sisters were worried they couln't care for you. They were so tired...exhausted from all that was going on..we reassured them we would help till the end..and they were grateful that they do not have to go though the dying by themselves.

You left me fond memories...the best were the times when we spoke like sisters when you were in the ward. You shared about your life, family..you shared about your fear and worries....one thing I had to remind you...you forgot to share about your achievement...you forgot what a great and wonderful and loving nurse you are...you were so humble....I had to remind you what a great person you were.

Can I pray for you I asked...yes please...I asked God to protect you, to take away your breathlessness and pain. To give you peace and angles to watch over you...you smile...I will miss those sweet sweet smiles...

The day of your memorial, I found it hard to look into your face. I wanted to say good bye but found that it was hard to do...looking into your sweet face resulted in a catch in my heart...it hurt so badly....Your family had invited me to say an eulogy for you...I had it all written down but just few minutes before that, I lost the paper...I spoke from my heart. I spoke of your love for others and our love for you...I guess it was meant to be....to say something from my heart instead of a planned speech....

Good bye my friend.....I believe I will see you again...somewhere. somehow...till then, I will always remember you and you compassion and your kindness....a hug and kiss for you...

388????? Can turn an ugly duckling to a swan??? Like fairy tale...

As always, the story ( sad one OK! ) starts like that....Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a small humble home in Puchong Jaya, lived a duckling. I would not call her ugly,beauty-challenged is a more politically correct word...

This humble duckling was a very hard working and she was famously known as Dr Quack. Dr Quack was famous for her voice, she was also made famous by one of her favorite song. The children would sing, "Old MacDonald had a farm, eee iii, eee ii ooo. And and his farm he has a duck, eee iii, eee iii oooo. She quack quack here and quack quack there..." , you got the picture la..

Though Dr Quack possessed all the quality of a duck could ever have, her heart always wished that she could look better. For all the kindness, the quackiness, the jovial self, she could not get over the fact that she was not good looking. Although she kept telling herself that inner beauty is far more important than outer look, she couldn't help thinking that who was the #$%*@=# person who invented the saying, knowing well it was a cover up for self-inadequacy.

She tried Estee Lauder, Max, ICI paints but still she looked..hmmm....beauty-challenged. Finally some nice church- going friends ( wonder how they always managed to appear when things were rough), asked her to pray...

Kneeling down with a broken heart, she prayed out loud."Quack....quaaaaaccckkkk.....quak,quak,.......quaaack......qqqquuuaaaeeekkkkkk!!!!!" Translated version: " Dear God, please help me to look good for a day. I promise never to ask people to eat chicken anymore ( get the joke??? ). Pleaasseeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!". As she got tired, she went to bed.

In her dreams, an angel appeared before her. "Dr Quack..God send me to tell you these. He loves you and here are the clues for your wish- 388 and frogs". She asked," Can't He just tell me????" The angel replied, " Like that no fun...go and guess!! Wuahahahahahaha!!!"

Dr Q woke up and had a splitting headache. Waaaaa...a visit from an angel felt like bad hangover!!!! So, she kept thinking and thinking. 388? 4 Ekor? Kuda? Magnum? What does it mean??? 38- sam pat?? Who is so kepo??? Frogs somemore? Turn frog into prince charming? Tin Kai Jok ( frog porridge)?? What??? What???

+

Then it clicked!! Or should I say, she started to click on internet? She went to the search engine and type: 388+frog.....and walau eh...something did turn up. It was a RM388 promotional photoshoot by fingeronshutter.com.!!!! She could not believe her big big eyes...

So she went into their website and click somemore...geng!!! They could turn people into beautiful things...walau eh...could make women look like movie stars....but sometimes vertically-challenged people still remain a challenged lo...but then in her heart, she felt a glow, a warmth..and immediately she knew she has hope!!!

She wrote to the author, who turns out to be a frog and pleaded with him. Please make me beautiful for a day..And kamkuey said, hmmm...hmmm.....hmm.....how to turn duckling into swan??? Soft lens ?? Still can see the ugly ( ooppss beauty-challenged) beak. Only shoot the feet?? Wa...web feet somemore....but then, a sprinkle from heaven ( it was actually the saliva from Dr Quack) woken him up...This is charity....must help her. Although I did not turn out to be prince charming, I can help this poor duckling turn into a swan.

He called his gang...the hair dresser with powderful iron cast (from besi buruk), the make-up artist with plenty of ICI paints ( sponsored by Jusco), the fashion designer from Ikea curtain session and of course the photographer who agreed to break few lens ( purposely one to make the 'crack effect' )and arranged for a RM388 complimentary photoshoot....

At last...as the stories end, the beauty-challanged duckling , for a day in her quacky life, turn into swan....Thank you fingeronshutter.com....thank you for making a dream come true.....

"Qauuckkkk....qeuuukkkk, qquuaaackkkk...." Translated version: "Thank you, God Bless!!"

p.s: Dr Quack was shot shortly after that....someone needed new cloths for OSCAR...

                                                         THE END

For more information go in to : http://www.fingeronshutter.com/blog/?p=540

How to tell a friend he is dying?

My heart was troubled by the news. A call to tell me that my dear friend’s condition was getting worse and his doctor did not tell him. I felt to mad. How could he not tell? What if he needs to sort out stuffs? What if he dies here? He is not from here and his family is far away. What if he did not get the chance to go home to his family? Does his doctor lack the courage to tell him that he is dying? All this thoughts kept flying in my head and I had a sleepless night.

Should I then let him know? His other friends wanted to do so but none could do it. Tough decision…how to tell a friend that he is dying? It is the hardest when they are closest. I had told hundreds and hundreds of patients and families that their time is short. But when it’s time to tell a friend, it is freaking hard!! But my experiences had taught me many opportunities for good byes are lost. Some with regrets, some are lost.

He was looking better. He seemed to be cheerful. His friends said he was eating better. But the blood results and scan showed he was in a bad shape. I was troubled again…he was getting better, hopeful …should I talk to him about his plan….what if I don’t get the chance again? His friends were worried that we would crush his hope and yet they were worried he would drop dead and no one knows what he wanted. All eyes fell upon me. To be honest I don’t have the heart to have that kind of conversation at that point of time. Maybe next time? But the thought of maybe there isn’t much time kept haunting me. To tell or not to tell…I prayed and prayed. God, tell me what to do. Open an opportunity for me to say what I needed to say…

‘Can we have 5 minutes?’. He was puffing and puffing away. Bad heart. Poor lung. Swollen up ..legs looked like it’s gonna burst anytime. He looked at me. Taking a long deep breath, I started. I asked him about his understanding of his illness. He kept saying, his doctor thought his condition would improve. He was looking forward to do stuffs. Damn that doctor…how to proceed now? Fine..what if you have another heart attack? What if that’s the time you can’t make decision? Trying so hard to slip in the message as gently as possible. No, no, no…doctor said he was gonna be fine. I was getting nowhere. He was not ready to hold this conversation. I tried but failed. Not the time yet. Perhaps never again.

Was he in denial? Initially I thought he was. But then again, in his condition, death probably had visited a couple of times. Was he still having a wishful thinking? I don’t know. Sometimes people are not ready to deal with death even when death is staring at them. He seems afraid but I don’t think he is frightened of death. I think he is more frightened of dying alone. Postponing of end-of-life issue probably is the only way he can cope now. I learned to respect that. As someone who deals with dying all the time, I have my own set of idea what is a good death. Good death means surrounded by family and friends. Good death means having opportunities to say good-byes and settling unfinished business. Good death means able to accept that time is short and knowing it is ok to let go. Good death means free of pain, breathing problem, looking good and good death means finding peace with oneself, loved ones and God. Perhaps that’s what I wanted when I am dying. My own definition of good death. Maybe it is not he wants. Maybe it is not many people wanted. I need to learn that people do die without sorting out many things. Long way to learn,hard to accept people choose to lie to themselves until they die. Hard but something that I need to learn…the heart-breaking way.

Pray for me. I love the way you pray. I asked God to protect and bless him. To love and comfort him. I asked God to give courage and strength to those who are caring for him. I asked God to take away all the discomfort he was experiencing. Finally I asked God to send His angels to watch over him. Good night dear friend..will see you again. Smiling ..yup see ya

Good bye my friend....

Rest in peace my friend

Received a text that said "dad passed away @ 755".....replied "thanks for letting me know.I will come over later".

Thinking back of the first day we met 3 years ago - he was OK.It was his wife that was not coping. Their niece is a dear friend, she had asked me to see them. It was late in the evening when I reached their home. We were just chatting and at the end of it, we agreed I should see him professionally. That was the day our relationship started. 3 years ago... a long time to be with a patient, in my line of duty .

Over the years, the role of a physician intertwined with being a friend. Trusted as a physician because of my skill but enjoyed the friendship because of connection. We had been through a lot, him and his wife, eventually their children and later on their extended family. We had travel through good times, good food, bad times, sad times. As the days were near, all of us took a roller coaster ride of emotion.

Many said it must be easier for you...you had seen hundreds leaving you. You must have detached emotionally from your patients. My answer is simple,if it gets easier..then it's time for me to leave my profession. When 2 human meet and started to talk, we build relationship. No matter the time together is 2 days or 2 years, a bond is built. Through sharing of life experiences, sometime not saying anything, you feel 'tied' to that person. If you have a relationship..how can you not feel? How can you heal if you do not care?? I can't. Each patient is special to me because of that relationship.

I do not deny that there are patients that I like more than others and this man was one of them. Through sharing, I got to know him and his stories. I got to know his passion and witnessed his strength. I saw how he loved and how much he was loved. I saw a man who took ownership of himself , loving life and his family.

The last few days of his life were extremely hard for his family. It was sad ..but yet I can't help feeling that everything is going to be OK. Strange as it may sound...that at death bed, I saw peace and strength. We human are just plain resilient. Sometimes we fought to gain control when we are about to loose them and at the end of it, we found strength to go on. I guess that's how God wired us...to turn us into precious stone with each fire of pain.

Today I went to send him to his way. Final good- bye I guess. I know this is the last time I'll be seeing his face. I felt sad as I lost another friend. I feel happy because I had given my best. I felt that it is OK to let go. Sometimes we too need our closure. We too need to know that we have done our best. And today I know because I can see that his love ones possess the strength that he had. He left them his legacy as a husband, father, uncle, boss and a dear friend.

oh pain oh pain...why do thee love me so much...

Oh dear what is happening to me?

Those stupid pain...wish it would go away...is it my post polio syndrome acting up on me?? Have I sprained my back? or have I been using too much of those sleeping muscles or have I got BONE cancer??? I think I've tried everything, from drugs ( short of morphine..but I think I took his sister), exercise to massage,but nothing seems to work...why?? WHY??? will this EVER go away? Sometime it is the agony of thought that causes more suffering than the physical itself. NO...I'm not saying the pain is not real...COME ON, I can't straightened my back from sitting or lying position..can you just imagine what kind of torture I have to go through everyday? What I meant is the fear in me has causes more suffering.

One Sunday, after church service I decided to go to the altar for prayers. THAT for me is absolutely not my first choice, but the pain was so great and I'll do anything to get rid of it. Hhmmm.....if you think the pain went off immediately..you are wrong! Again don't misread me, there are many many people who gets healed after prayers...mine is a wee bit sloowwwww....well with still great pain, I drove home. But something happened in that week. Nothing BIG but my pain definitely improved. Slowly day by day, it goes off bit by bit. I can move freely now...short of jumping up and down but it is much bearable.

What changes in that week? Prayers and the little faith that I have. Since I know I am not getting better from medications and alternative treatment, I went back to God.I was like " PLEASE (pleading!!!) God, please take those pain away...I have faith that it will go far far away!!". It is so strange how we always go to God last. Looking back, I have been backslided for awhile. Oh..I still attend CG or church but my heart has not been able to focus. I pray but half way, I think of what to eat, what will I be doing over the weekend or who bitch about me yesterday? As the history goes, it's procrastination or laziness or just don't feel like spending quiet time. I though it is OK...God will understand, He won't mind having one less person chatting with Him. I don't think it's God, I think it's me. It's like my soul is drying up...I hit the spiritual emptiness. And when I am in that spiritual dry 'realm', things just don't seems right. I am not saying God punishes me for not chatting with ( God is bigger person than any human), what I imply is I don't feel 'alive' and that has affected me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's kinda like drug withdrawal symptoms...

In my work, I always approach my patients holistically. I deal with all issues- from physical to emotional to spiritual - so that I can help them to live life as it should be. These 3 elements are intertwined....you cannot separate them without affecting the other. In my case, my spiritual emptiness has causes physical pain ( or not getting better) and emotional pain ( my mood sucks!). No wonder the last one month was not great for me. And the pain has revealed to me the root of my problem.

Hmmmm...I think I have God to thank for???

Anyway, I started to pray and spending time with God again. Gently God spoke to me in many ways and oh..I missed those feeling so much. Call it psychology, call it self help or fulfillment..but I call that connection. Praying for my family and friends, praying for myself, praying for the world is not about feeling good about what you do, it's about what those prayers can do...and I know God listens and in my own small way, I have contribute to betterment of those I love.

Ahhh.... we human never learn...or we often forget so readily. We get too comfortable too often and then we live our live like a zoombie. Day in day out, we do exactly the same thing. Things that used to bring us joy no longer does, sometimes it even become a burden. Then we stop doing it completely. I do that, I believe my family does it, my friends do it even my church...so when we become too comfortable, we become bored. And it takes my pain to bring me back my joy...Hallelujah pain....I love you cause you have brought back meaning to my life...and please don't stay for too long ya...because it still hurts !

MORE QUESTIONS.....

Sigh…more unknown answers!

It is amazing how difficult it is to blog once you have all the activities around you. Although I promised myself to put my thoughts into words but it never seems to happen. For the past few months, there are so many things I wish to put into my blog …things that happened when I returned from Chiangmai…my family story, my travels, my frustration in my spirituality…kept telling myself..come on Feli…it’s long due…do write something. The reason I penned or now I typed down my thoughts is only one..I might get Alzheimers and this is the way I may find myself again…

But last week some interesting topics came into picture. It’s not new…dated as far as I could remember, topic that split and glued people together..aged-old questions..at least for me…It all happened when I had a cup of coffee with a dear friend during a vacation. After chatting for a while, we gently went into the discussion about being single and what next?

We are 2 worlds apart..well,not exactly…just that our personalities are NOT similar…I am an extrovert, he is a introvert. I love to talk, he is more a listener. I love to have activities around me…boy..he will tell ya I’m not lying. And he is more a homely person. But yet we both have something in common, we are both single. One question is - do we deserved to be single? It is not a question that implies singlehood is bad..in fact, it’s just the opposite, being single is too good to be true. But for how long….

I had been in good relationships with men but had experienced my share of bad relationships. Perhaps all my good relationships happened when I was younger..puppy love they called it…great time courting, great time in the relationship but somehow things just didn’t work out…not that any of my old boyfriends had any problems…we were just not meant to be! ( Ish..an excuse..perhaps). Then it’s those bad relationships…when I was a little older..nothing abusive about my men ( Believe me, if they hit me…I’ll make them pay!!!). It’s just they don’t spend time with me..hmmm…was that my interpretation? Whatever it was, my heart was broken, even shattered at one point.

I decided (or did it just happen?), I ended being single. Is it a statement to all the men that I'm OK without them? Is it I am afraid to get hurt again? Or perhaps is it because I know what kind of men I want and do not want to settle for anyone lesser of my expectation? Maybe..just maybe all of the above.

So come back to the question- do I deserved to be single? Being a single, as all the singles will tell you, is about freedom. Freedom to do whatever and whenever you want. To see whomever you want to see. Not to be tight down by routine work ( at home) and do not have to meet others expectations ( husband or in-laws or even some well-meaning relatives/friends). It is all about ME! ME! ME! It’s about having control over your life instead of being control by spouse or circumstances. However, the downside is, loneliness as your companion.

What is loneliness? Being alone and feeling lonely is 2 different things. One is being alone and yet can or will find something or someone to fill their emptiness. The other being feeling dejected, no one to hold and to share your thoughts and dreams. I think this is what leads the fear among the single. Will I grow old as a lonely man/woman? Will there be anyone who will take care of me?

Then comes the question, are you OK being alone? Are you OK feeling lonely? But being lonely does not equate to singlehood. I have known couples that are married for ages feeling lonely despite having their spouse and children around them. I know singles that do not feel lonely despite having to sleep alone at night. So loneliness is subjective(I think??) Am I lonely…Hmm…tough one. Yes and no. This is the privilege of being a woman. We can be indecisive about anything. True..I feel lonely sometimes, not all the times. Perhaps, I do not allow myself to be lonely. There are so many things to learn, zillion things to do, books to read, places to go. But during nights, this is when the loneliness creeps in. When the world around you slows down, when you can hear your thoughts in your head…then maybe some night I have to admit that I do feel lonely. Am I OK with it??? I don’t know. I wish I know but I don’t. I am still able to fill my space and do not allow emptiness to creep in too often. 5 years from now, perhaps I can’t find anything to fill the space anymore. Maybe then I am not OK being alone and lonely.

Sometimes I think too many people are afraid of loneliness. Too many people stay in relationship and marriage as they are fearful what it meant to live life alone. But as for the singles, could it be the powerful force to motivate us to get a life partner? Why do we get a life partner? Some does it because they were in love, some does it because they do not want to be lonely; some does it because it is what is expected out of them. I know some do it because peer or family pressure. Will I do it out of the fear of being lonely? I used to say ‘NEVER’ but now I am not too sure. Will it be fair to my partner if I accept him because I am lonely? Who knows, perhaps he too accepts me because he is lonely. It’s sad or IS IT?

I always tell myself not to look for someone when I am lonely. But then, when do you look? Loneliness is a powerful motivator. Some of my friends say it’s OK to be alone. Are they true to their heart or are they in denial? Are they saying so as an excuse so that they will keep their pride souring high while their heart hit rock bottom?

Today, the same friend said something interesting. If we know we wish to have a family, why are we not looking? I know I hope that I’ll find someone soon but am I looking? Is my friend looking? If not why? If yes, where do we fail? I am guess I am looking for someone to love me and share my life, otherwise I will not agree to go on double dates. But nevertheless, none of those works. I wonder why?

See…more unknown answers. To me and my dear friend..let’s both continue to talk and debate about singlehood till the cows come back (why did I put this expression down?? Beats me)…let’s hope it will not mean too long..meanwhile, are we not suppose to plan for our next trip????? Singlehood…freedom J.