How I cried!!!

Today I can think of her without feeling a knife cut through my heart. It is only a week after my dearest nurse, Toh, passed away. The last few weeks was so full of grieve that I lost my smile and my joy. My mind keeps telling me that she is in a better place..but my heart still bleeds. I cannot remember when was the last time I shed tears in public but last few weeks, I was not able to control them at all. The thought of the suffering that Toh was going through, the thought of not seeing her again...these thoughts are unbearable. My dear dear Toh, it is so so hard to say good bye to you.

It was too sudden. In a short span of 10 days, you died because your body cannot cope with the disease. Many of us who worked with you felt it was too soon, too drastic..too much to bear. We began to mourn even before you left. The sight of your fragile body took our breath away. We yearned to give you a stronger body, a better lung...we wanted to share your pain...all we could do was to stay by you, holding and comforting you. 

But in all the suffering, I saw many goodness. I remembered the day we decided to kidnap you from the hospital. All of us were so pissed off with the hospital, you deserved better care. Ironically, boss, me and Mani ( a Mosleem, Hindu, Christian) decided to kidnap you ( a Buddhist). Looking back, it was beautiful wasn't it? We are so 1Malaysia in a way...no matter what our background is, no matter what we believe, we spoke the language of love....and that is all that matters. We came together to care for someone who meant so much to us. The other nurses are fantastic Toh, they came and offer to care for you...Mani, Lilien, Sharon, Siew Choo,Loi, Sya, Azim, Rachel, Farra, Eza...all of them love you so much. I know Emily and Idayu saw you before you came home.Jan, Mizah called from afar to find out about you. Dr Ednin, Dr Sylvia, Dr Zee Nee, Lynn and her family, other staffs in Hospis all wanted to reach out to you. Dr Loh, Dr Tan, Dr Lalitha..those from other hospices grieved as well. Toh, see the people you have touched over the years...see how much you are loved....you are special.

Your family finds it hard to take you home. There was still a tinge of regrets on the first day. Your poor son and sisters were worried they couln't care for you. They were so tired...exhausted from all that was going on..we reassured them we would help till the end..and they were grateful that they do not have to go though the dying by themselves.

You left me fond memories...the best were the times when we spoke like sisters when you were in the ward. You shared about your life, family..you shared about your fear and worries....one thing I had to remind you...you forgot to share about your achievement...you forgot what a great and wonderful and loving nurse you are...you were so humble....I had to remind you what a great person you were.

Can I pray for you I asked...yes please...I asked God to protect you, to take away your breathlessness and pain. To give you peace and angles to watch over you...you smile...I will miss those sweet sweet smiles...

The day of your memorial, I found it hard to look into your face. I wanted to say good bye but found that it was hard to do...looking into your sweet face resulted in a catch in my heart...it hurt so badly....Your family had invited me to say an eulogy for you...I had it all written down but just few minutes before that, I lost the paper...I spoke from my heart. I spoke of your love for others and our love for you...I guess it was meant to be....to say something from my heart instead of a planned speech....

Good bye my friend.....I believe I will see you again...somewhere. somehow...till then, I will always remember you and you compassion and your kindness....a hug and kiss for you...