Reflection..

What God taught me....

I decided to go to Thai...there were fews things in my mind...first of all, I badly needed some break..2008 had not been kind to me and my family and after struggling in almost every area of my life, I was nearly burnt out...I guess I was..I was physically , emotionally, spiritually exhausted..it was a timely decision to leave cause otherwise I would had ended up either in a hospital or a cuckoo nest...

I needed a place away from home to recuperate...from physical tiredness to emotional heartache...and I hope to find refuge for the sake of my own sanity...and I found a sanctuary for healing.Initial days were difficult...probably because I couldn't find rest..My body was extremely tired but I was in so much fear. At that time, I was not aware of my fear of darkness. It took away my restful nights and haunted me for weeks. Instead of the rest I was dying for, I found myself more exhausted than ever...At that point of time I was feeling frustrated. I felt robbed of my time and sanity. It took lotsa prayers and time with God to overcome that fear. I have to admit that the fear has not completely gone, even now..but when I was able to deal with it at those moments..I found myself journeying into a 'space'..

It was difficult to identify this space or describe it ...it was so fleeting..one day it was there, other time it was hiding away from me..but when it was there, I found peace and quietness in my soul.., My thought was.."ahh....this is what I need...REST!". Over months...from a restless soul, I found myself to be 'still'..sometimes I did not even have to think..just being 'presence' and enjoyed the stillness. It was a difficult thing for me to do. Family and friends who knew me know how 'active' or 'moving' I always had been. To remain still was almost next to impossible..yet, during my retreat, I found this stillness almost welcoming.

People says you will hear God when you remain still...It was challenging because every single sound and sight became a distraction and deep down in your heart, you anticipated to hear God's voice...and waited and waited...and when those moments did not appear, doubt creeped in...and there goes you stillness....I heard God's voice...a wonderful and beautiful experience, one that I would never forget and would revisit when I needed Him. But it was not during those time when I was preparing to see Him..not during those prayers, not during those quiet time ..It just happened..when I was not even talking to Him...It just happened like 'that' and what a reassurance that was!.God in His gentle voice says "First..you are my child...." To know God loved and cared for me is so precious to me....I just felt liberated...free from my doubts and insecurities..Rested and resting...I found peace and joy...I found the simplicity of trust rewarding...Being in the sanctuary of God is so peaceful!!

Everything seem to be sailing smoothly..it was not to be...despite the reassurance and rest, the stillness and the joy, God continued to prune me...areas of my life where I was always running away from,God pulled me back and helped me to deal with my 'issues'. One of my issues was dealing with the spiritual darkness...It was never my intention to confront the dark side,but God is really funny sometimes..the more you wanted to run away, the more frequently He would test you in that area...Hai...so earning the name of ghost buster...I learned to deal with dark spirits ... Fear accompany with the joy of victory often came when I won the battle...but to be honest...I was really hoping that was my last training...but again...God can be funny AGAIN!!!

Anger was one of my other issues...I am not always an angry person but short-fused and when that happened, you would see the ugly side of me,which was really unpleasant. Most of the time it had to do with injustice..and to me it was always justified...How often we tried to justify our own actions and behaviors! I would say things or do things that I regretted later...Words lashed out could not be retrieved..and sadly I had hurt people I cared and loved for...and too ashamed to ask for their forgiveness..hoping they would forget about it...Then I learned about the grace of God...how often He forgave us for our mistakes and our wrongs..How we had grieved Him and yet He continues to forgive us..that is grace because we do not deserve it...and the more I learned about His grace..the more I realized how 'ungracious' I had been..towards my family..friends..people that I cared...and gradually ( hopefully for the rest of my life) I learned to be gracious to everyone...

Too many lessons learned during my short stay in Chiang Mai. Spending time with people who loves God and His people was wonderful. Things that they taught me could not never be bought by money...although I am thousands poorer in sense of financial gain...I'm million times richer in my spiritual journey..what could beat that? I found myself and I found God!!!

My Greatest Challenge!

Silent Retreat!!

Yup..you heard me right! My biggest and greatest challenge is indeed keeping my mouth shut. Not jumping off a plane or traveling by myself or even ghost busting in Chiang Mai. I first heard about this kind of retreat from a dear friend in Malaysia. He told me that he went to a retreat that no one is allowed to talk..after awhile, he could even sensed his eye brow twitching...Hmm..in my mind..this man must be cuckoo liao! And when someone suggested that I should try...hehe...I said 'over my dead body!!!" But yet, when another good friend shared about her experience in the Seven Fountains...I was tempted to try...then God said 'GO!' and I packed my stuff the next day..Dun main-main with God lo...

The big question was what am I suppose to do there? What do I want to get during my 3D/2N stay in this place. I really had no idea. But then the same friend reminded me that I wanted to uncluttered my mind. So that was my mission...to clear my mind and see if I could see things clearer or not. When I checked out the place, it wasn't bad at all...I oredi liked it before I moved in. They offer spiritual guide, if I want. Hm...maybe that was my loop hole..to talk to priest..then not total silent lo..so I signed up for the spiritual guide...I hope I won't drive the priest nut! God bless whoever was getting me..

There I was the first day, the priest wanna meet me. Father Puspho is such a sweet gentleman. I like him immediately. He is very calm in his manner and he is very polite. He is just what I imagined a Catholic priest to be like. He was like..what is the reason for your retreat?? ..I was like..ehhhhh, not really sure. But I told him about my intention to uncluttered my mind. OK, let's just try this...focus and meditate, then reflect..and we will talk tomorrow..same place, same time..woo....this is SERIOUS!!

The walk to the labyrinth...the nature is so beautiful...

I took my bible, journals, some paper ( just in case I feel artistic!) and went to the garden.Even as I was walking towards the garden, the was a sense of peace in this place. I went to my first 'shalaa'..and guess what greeted me?? A green snake just dropped from the roof and slitering away..there went my peace!!! I detoured to the next 'shalaa' and looked around..just to make sure no snake awaited me..then I began to relax..

The 'shalaa' for us to read, meditate or just enjoy the nature

If you focus..you can see butterlies teasing one another above the bush!!

Focus! Father Puspho asked me to focus on an object and breath slowly..and focus and focus...I tried and tried...but kept getting disracted by the butterlies playing with its mate, or lizards moving above me, or the birds chirping happily...How to focus la...after trying for 10 mins ( by the way, it's a long time for me OK), I picked a bible passage that read, "Come to me , all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, that you may find rest upon your soul, as my yoke is easy and my burden is light" ( For the benefit of you who dun know me..that was the first time I could memorize verses without looking at my bible OK). As I began to meditate on these word, I dun see why God chose these words for me. I came here and rested..why rest more...I keep on meditating..and when I opened my journal, I had nothing special to write. No out of the world experience, no extreme emotional experince, nothing..well, I would try again tomorrow...

My chosen place for meditation and reflection..The same day, it rained. It's God's wonderful painting when there is rain and sunshine dancing among the bamboos...Just beautiful...and peaceful

An uninvited intruder..now I know why the green snake hang around.. I am sharing my space with lizards, snails, butterlfies, bees and how could I forget...mosquitos...

Next day..Dialogue with Father Puspho...to my surprised when I shared with him about my experience, something changed. The 'nothingness' of yesterday changed. When I began to unload my experience, I began to feel a burden which I shared with Father P. Slowly but eventually, my heart opened up. I shared things that I didn't even realize disturbed me. It was about my past 1 year experience. My pain, my hurt, my wound....all poured out..not with bitterness, no tears..just stories. Embrace it my child, he says. Our experience is who we are. Dun have to run away, just take it with you and then offer it to God. Today, rest...and experience God..

The sense of peace and quietness inside a church can be so heart warming..especially if you have the whole chapel for yourself..I sang and sang for my Lord

I felt a sense stillness.The stillness is my heart is so..still...I dun know what to do. I walked towards the labyrinth. It's a maze like garden where you could walk towards some symbolic stones and then walk back..I walked in...took a stone, told God, I would like to leave everything to Him pleasee..then I walked and walked and continue walking...by the end of the walk, I got pain on my legs and limped back to my room...

The labyrinth is a symbolic place for christian pilgramage in Jerusalem. When we walked in, we have all the burden of the world. We reached out and gave everthing to Him..and then we walked out with freedom in our heart!

My humble room ...

Journaling is such a powerful tool..I began to journal my conversation with God and Father Puspho..the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write..I couldn't stop..I wrote and wrote and wrote and believe it or not..I wrote till 1 pen had no more ink...But as I wrote, I began to gain understanding, I began to be aware and things are clearer to me. The things that bugged me for a while began to clear up...my past, present and future...pieces of puzzle began to fit...

Sometimes I just lied on the bench and looked upwards...I always knew I loved bamboo...but enjoying this view was really something else..

Next day..more talking...So, Father Puspho asked..how was your experience...and again we had a wonderful session. Talking to him cleared my mind..He gentle directed me to where I had doubt and challenged me about my thoughts. I liked when he said, things are quite clear, not concrete yet...pray and it will be clearer. He taught me about being the child of God. He taught about a prayerful life. He spoke about forgiveness..The funny thing was..I knew all about these..although I wouldn't say I am the most pious person in the world, I knew it all....but to experience it first hand was an awesome experience...

Sometimes, I just sat under this old ancient tree...I felt the strength and the solidness of the spirit of the tree..

I had been reading some books from a writter by the name Henri Nouven. It was an amazing journey reading his book. I was reading about how God's first love for us. When we talked about first love, I used to think it is the first time we loved God. The time when we became a Christian. How wrong was I!!!...It was and always will be about God's first love for us!! Silly me..and I had been missing this message for so so long....I am His beloved child..and He has always always loves me...How great is that!!

But the most amazing experience during these few days was the last day of my stay. I woke up and heard a still voice telling me this..."First, you are a child of God, then man(human)" My Heavenly Father reassured me about my identity in His presence and His love...I should claim this identity before I claim my other identity in this world..I just smiled!...

The bamboo forest... I spent many hours here..

So, at the end of it...even though I did not speak to other retreaters, I enjoyed it tremendously. I re-found my identity, I felt His presence, I forgave alot of people, I am clearer about my future....and no ..I did not manage to do what I came to do..to uncluttered my mind...but hey..who cares!!!

The ladies' adventure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW.....what a week..or 2

I was waiting and waiting and waiting and my partner in crime finally arrived from Malaysia...haha...Daphine oredi lost her way the first day she was in Chiang Mai....she went looking for me in my neighbour house!

The journey began with riding on a tuk - tuk...you see how scared she was ah???
Scared that she will fly out wo....

Our usual breakfast place...very good and reasonable priced American breakfast (ABF)!!!

Hardly have time 2 rest, we were invited to go for makan in Nargis's place...ah...beautiful place, good food, wonderful friends..what more can we ask for....

And few days later, we gate crashed a wedding at The Chedi ..
before that must 'pan leng leng' mah!!

The wedding is so lovely...the place too...not to mention good food again...

The best thing is I got to make a wish....
hope that stupid aeroplane dun crash into it before it reach the angels!!!

Then it's the arrival of our dear Molly...look at her, her look fit more into a hospital than in airport...Hmm.. Daphine kept asking her if she washed her hand or not!!We dun wan H1N1 la..

Ah...what fun we had...we did LOTSA SHOPPING, pampering ourselves with massages ( 3X a week), hot herb compress, manicure and pedicure...more shoppping...and shopping...and shopping ( too many shopping...cannot take photo anymore..)

First thing first...ABF

Daphine tak tahu malu...she was trying out pant in the middle of the walking street!! Haiyah..

Beautiful nails.....

Guess which one is mine!!

We went nothward..

White temple in Chiang Rai...
the architecture is just beautiful although some of the statues are very scary...

Even the fishes are white!!!

We visited the hilltribes village...

I almost kill the front desk boy...said the trecking is not hard...
not hard my FOOT!!It wasn't easy but with my bodyguard and kawan-kawan...I managed la..

Long neck tribe..Her necklace weight 5Kg....ouch..

This weight 3Kg...

We move on to Golden Triangle ...borders of 3 countries..
Thai, Myanmar and Laos...ee...the river very muddy....

before going to Mae Sai ( nothern most city of Thailand). Mae Sai is the border town...I need to go to Mynamar for my visa run...

And here we are...walking across the border...Myanmar..here we come..

Shopping for 'stones'

We also visited the oldest temple in Chiang Mai...Molly sacrifice a pants worth of cash to buy the bell..so that ONLY Molly, Daphine and Feli..have peace and love...hmm...I asked her to put wealth too..but she forgot to write it down..No wonder we so pokai after the shopping la...

After all the fun...time to work!!

The KCBB ladies came to Chiang Mai for the launching of the Living Water Center and
Living Word Library (sponsored by KCBB)...

I put this picture in simply because lotsa people say I look beautiful...
wakakaka...thank you photographer...

After all the hard work...time to treat ourselves..that's when Charlie took us to
'Love at First Bite'...here are what we hogged!!

The rest of the remaining time...jalan jalan, makan makan, main main.....

With the lady boys...

Feli is really hungry after a long day..

A restaurant with blooms....this time..tulips...hmm...smell really good!!!

Molly pretended to buy mint...she was actually looking at the condom ...

Thankgiving dinner by the Wongs..yummy!!

And busy posting everything into facebook to make others jealous ma...wahaha...we had so much fun and others have to work.... :)

The truth is once the ladies left...I collapsed...sakit tulang, sakit kaki, sakit belakang for few days....but it is worth every single pain coz I had so much fun with Daphine and Molly...thanks ladies for coming...I had fun..hope you did too...oh yeah...they overstuffed their bag with their ....you know what la!!!