Yup..you heard me right! My biggest and greatest challenge is indeed keeping my mouth shut. Not jumping off a plane or traveling by myself or even ghost busting in Chiang Mai. I first heard about this kind of retreat from a dear friend in Malaysia. He told me that he went to a retreat that no one is allowed to talk..after awhile, he could even sensed his eye brow twitching...Hmm..in my mind..this man must be cuckoo liao! And when someone suggested that I should try...hehe...I said 'over my dead body!!!" But yet, when another good friend shared about her experience in the Seven Fountains...I was tempted to try...then God said 'GO!' and I packed my stuff the next day..Dun main-main with God lo...
The big question was what am I suppose to do there? What do I want to get during my 3D/2N stay in this place. I really had no idea. But then the same friend reminded me that I wanted to uncluttered my mind. So that was my mission...to clear my mind and see if I could see things clearer or not. When I checked out the place, it wasn't bad at all...I oredi liked it before I moved in. They offer spiritual guide, if I want. Hm...maybe that was my loop hole..to talk to priest..then not total silent lo..so I signed up for the spiritual guide...I hope I won't drive the priest nut! God bless whoever was getting me..
There I was the first day, the priest wanna meet me. Father Puspho is such a sweet gentleman. I like him immediately. He is very calm in his manner and he is very polite. He is just what I imagined a Catholic priest to be like. He was like..what is the reason for your retreat?? ..I was like..ehhhhh, not really sure. But I told him about my intention to uncluttered my mind. OK, let's just try this...focus and meditate, then reflect..and we will talk tomorrow..same place, same time..woo....this is SERIOUS!!
There I was the first day, the priest wanna meet me. Father Puspho is such a sweet gentleman. I like him immediately. He is very calm in his manner and he is very polite. He is just what I imagined a Catholic priest to be like. He was like..what is the reason for your retreat?? ..I was like..ehhhhh, not really sure. But I told him about my intention to uncluttered my mind. OK, let's just try this...focus and meditate, then reflect..and we will talk tomorrow..same place, same time..woo....this is SERIOUS!!
The walk to the labyrinth...the nature is so beautiful...
I took my bible, journals, some paper ( just in case I feel artistic!) and went to the garden.Even as I was walking towards the garden, the was a sense of peace in this place. I went to my first 'shalaa'..and guess what greeted me?? A green snake just dropped from the roof and slitering away..there went my peace!!! I detoured to the next 'shalaa' and looked around..just to make sure no snake awaited me..then I began to relax..
The 'shalaa' for us to read, meditate or just enjoy the nature
If you focus..you can see butterlies teasing one another above the bush!!
Focus! Father Puspho asked me to focus on an object and breath slowly..and focus and focus...I tried and tried...but kept getting disracted by the butterlies playing with its mate, or lizards moving above me, or the birds chirping happily...How to focus la...after trying for 10 mins ( by the way, it's a long time for me OK), I picked a bible passage that read, "Come to me , all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, that you may find rest upon your soul, as my yoke is easy and my burden is light" ( For the benefit of you who dun know me..that was the first time I could memorize verses without looking at my bible OK). As I began to meditate on these word, I dun see why God chose these words for me. I came here and rested..why rest more...I keep on meditating..and when I opened my journal, I had nothing special to write. No out of the world experience, no extreme emotional experince, nothing..well, I would try again tomorrow...
My chosen place for meditation and reflection..The same day, it rained. It's God's wonderful painting when there is rain and sunshine dancing among the bamboos...Just beautiful...and peaceful
An uninvited intruder..now I know why the green snake hang around.. I am sharing my space with lizards, snails, butterlfies, bees and how could I forget...mosquitos...
Next day..Dialogue with Father Puspho...to my surprised when I shared with him about my experience, something changed. The 'nothingness' of yesterday changed. When I began to unload my experience, I began to feel a burden which I shared with Father P. Slowly but eventually, my heart opened up. I shared things that I didn't even realize disturbed me. It was about my past 1 year experience. My pain, my hurt, my wound....all poured out..not with bitterness, no tears..just stories. Embrace it my child, he says. Our experience is who we are. Dun have to run away, just take it with you and then offer it to God. Today, rest...and experience God..
The sense of peace and quietness inside a church can be so heart warming..especially if you have the whole chapel for yourself..I sang and sang for my Lord
I felt a sense stillness.The stillness is my heart is so..still...I dun know what to do. I walked towards the labyrinth. It's a maze like garden where you could walk towards some symbolic stones and then walk back..I walked in...took a stone, told God, I would like to leave everything to Him pleasee..then I walked and walked and continue walking...by the end of the walk, I got pain on my legs and limped back to my room...
The labyrinth is a symbolic place for christian pilgramage in Jerusalem. When we walked in, we have all the burden of the world. We reached out and gave everthing to Him..and then we walked out with freedom in our heart!
My humble room ...
Journaling is such a powerful tool..I began to journal my conversation with God and Father Puspho..the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write..I couldn't stop..I wrote and wrote and wrote and believe it or not..I wrote till 1 pen had no more ink...But as I wrote, I began to gain understanding, I began to be aware and things are clearer to me. The things that bugged me for a while began to clear up...my past, present and future...pieces of puzzle began to fit...
Sometimes I just lied on the bench and looked upwards...I always knew I loved bamboo...but enjoying this view was really something else..
Next day..more talking...So, Father Puspho asked..how was your experience...and again we had a wonderful session. Talking to him cleared my mind..He gentle directed me to where I had doubt and challenged me about my thoughts. I liked when he said, things are quite clear, not concrete yet...pray and it will be clearer. He taught me about being the child of God. He taught about a prayerful life. He spoke about forgiveness..The funny thing was..I knew all about these..although I wouldn't say I am the most pious person in the world, I knew it all....but to experience it first hand was an awesome experience...
Sometimes, I just sat under this old ancient tree...I felt the strength and the solidness of the spirit of the tree..
I had been reading some books from a writter by the name Henri Nouven. It was an amazing journey reading his book. I was reading about how God's first love for us. When we talked about first love, I used to think it is the first time we loved God. The time when we became a Christian. How wrong was I!!!...It was and always will be about God's first love for us!! Silly me..and I had been missing this message for so so long....I am His beloved child..and He has always always loves me...How great is that!!
But the most amazing experience during these few days was the last day of my stay. I woke up and heard a still voice telling me this..."First, you are a child of God, then man(human)" My Heavenly Father reassured me about my identity in His presence and His love...I should claim this identity before I claim my other identity in this world..I just smiled!...
But the most amazing experience during these few days was the last day of my stay. I woke up and heard a still voice telling me this..."First, you are a child of God, then man(human)" My Heavenly Father reassured me about my identity in His presence and His love...I should claim this identity before I claim my other identity in this world..I just smiled!...
The bamboo forest... I spent many hours here..
So, at the end of it...even though I did not speak to other retreaters, I enjoyed it tremendously. I re-found my identity, I felt His presence, I forgave alot of people, I am clearer about my future....and no ..I did not manage to do what I came to do..to uncluttered my mind...but hey..who cares!!!
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