The love of a father

Let me share with you a story...a journey...an epic of the heart of a father...

I saw a patient a couple of weeks ago. She was an 18 years old girl with brain tumour. When I saw her at that time, she was dying and I spend a long long time with her father.Her father was a businessman and he had taken time off to care for his little girl. Dad and mom took turn to sleep in her room to make sure she was comfortable.

I saw some pictures of hers in the living room. Lovely lovely girl. So young, energetic and hopefully. Given a chance she would grow up into a woman every man would love to date. we ( dad and me started to chat). A very casual how had it been? How was the family...then we went deeper...tell me about your daughter I said...in that instant his eyes just twinkled..he told me about his gutsy little girl, someone who had little fear, someone who love to play jokes on the family...someone who understood what life waw about..we shared about her likes and dislikes, her hope, her dreams...and then suddenly there was silver lining in her dad's eye...he cried and cried...he grieved for her daughter...lost dreams, lost future, lost hope...he grieved for himself..losing a daughter, a friend, a family..

He said he gotto know her daughter so well in the past year, through the illness, he knew how strong and persistent she became and how it had influenced him as well. Never a word of complaint, not even in pain. Once he caught her crying in her room alone, she was in severe pain and yet not a single complaint from her. It broke his heart. He begged her to let him know if she was hurting...how could he lived knowing his lovely daughter suffering in so much pain.

We journeyed to present. I asked if he wishes to record some memories so that when she was gone, he and his family would have something to hold on to. He smiled...he said, he was a family man..every year, he would take 1 month off work and travel with his family and they had make many memories...photos, videos, he had more than enough to remember her by..and he said his heart would continue to miss her every single day...besides, his daughter did not want any photos now...not since she lost all her hair, not since there was an operation scar on her head, not since she lost so much weight even a strong wind could have blown her away...her family respected her..

One thing, one thing dad asked me to help him...please keep my daughter pain free. Let her go when it's time but keep her comfortable. Watching her in her sleep, a frail little body I did not know how much could I do, but I promised to try my best..dad smiled, mom smiled but deep in my heart I knew, no matter what I do...their heart were broken...watching their little girl dying in front of them.

I have seen so many death...I have heard so many stories...experienced so many grieves...sometimes I wonder what is there for me when it's my turn...don't know..really do not know...but that day, I've learned about a father's love for her daughter...a trully pure and wonderful love in the midst of pain...

How the story ends...or did it???

"'It's the void in my heart that hurts most"....'it's the heartache I felt when I know I can never hug or hold her again"....those words matched the anguish I saw in him. There were no more tears but the eyes were full with sorrows and pain. even his voice sound so sad...

Remember the young girl that had a brain tumor...she is my late patient now. Passed away at home in the arms of her loved ones.I went to see her parents after her funeral. and those were the words he shared. He shared with me the days before she left them...the pain she had to endure...and the suffering that she was facing...and how deeply it hurts the parents as they felt the helplessness and hopelessness.But the last few hours, with the help of medications, she died peacefully..the final breath was so quiet..so gentle

'Any regrets??" I enquired...he smiled..i knew it was a forced smile...he said yes..He told me how he looked into his daughter's blog..something he said he would otherwise not do, the invasion of privacy, but he just wanted to know...desperately wanted to know what his daughter's thought was. In her blog...she had 2 wishes...shopping and to have Japanese food in Japan. The first they did...a wonderful family day outing in Sunway Pyramid...but the second wish...there were silver lining in his eyes..a fine line of tears...he said, "it's too late...we planned to go to Japan end of the year and I promised her that I'll give her the best Japanese food in Japan and that's a promise I was not able to keep!"

"Dr Felicia...one thing I've learned from all those months..please do not wait..please do not put on hold things you wanted to..please follow your heart". He turned to my nurse, " where are your parents? When is the last time you talk to them...please call them today and say hello..." All of us were speechless...no words were needed...we waited..i did not know why we waited, i just felt he had to share more about his journey...another simple question.." What helps??". In my mind...what was I talking about..what could possibly help? this man just lost his daughter, someone he saw growing into a young lady with hope and dreams and her life was tragically and prematurely taken away...why was I being such a hypocrite..why ask????? Surprisingly, he said..."just being at present moment helped.".I did not understand, he saw the blank look on my face.He said, " when I think of her, I will think of all the good days we had together and I STOP. Just being at that moment. Not looking back and ask 'why' or look into the future and ask 'what if'...just stop and think of the good feeling...that helps!"

What a wise statement..how many of us while we are driving or doing things kept thinking about the things in the past that we regretted or how we plan ahead our life...things to do in a year time..5 years time..how many of us live for today?? our thoughts stop at the moment?? See, these are the beautiful things I learned from my patients and families...their stories become my lessons,someone who died become my teacher...those who they left behind became my guru..

I came home with a heavy heart...there were a jargon of emotions...i felt sad, i felt glad, i felt I was missing something, i felt tired....i just did not know what to feel anymore...finally i felt gratitude..for all the people whom love and dear to me are near me, I'm blessed, truly truly blessed..and I'm grateful..at the end of the day, I felt grateful.

Calling

‘ Time is limited, I think best to call other family members before she goes so that you guys can say good byes’. These are the words that everyone dreads to hear but these words flow from my mouth frequently. In my line of duty, I am faced with dying and death almost everyday. I take care of patients with life limiting illness and it is not uncommon that I am the one to break this bad news to family members.

 

I believe God’s plan for me is to give comfort for my dying patients. I have come a long way before I ended up in palliative care. I also know we are destined to do something and our destiny will appear if we wait on the Lord. Along my search for God’s plan in my life, God shows me the way. Roman 12:6 says ‘having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them’.

 

Some say that I am brave; some comment that my job must be so depressing. My family still does not understand why I chose this line of specialization. Isn’t medicine about curing and healing? Isn’t medicine about giving life? Isn’t medicine about hope? Yes, yes and yes. Medicine is about curing and healing but when it’s not possible, then it’s about providing comfort. Medicine is about giving life but it’s also about preserving dignity of life during the last hours. Medicine is about hope but hope appears not only in physical healing but also spiritual healing.

 

Dealing with dying is never easy. Not only you have to help the dying patients, you need to make sure their families are taken care as well. Things are overwhelming when emotions are running high. It is not unusual that the families are bombarded with roller coster of feelings – sadness, bitterness, anxiety, fear, all at the same time. Sometimes, I feel like a sponge, absorbing all these feelings into me. It is not long before I am burnt out and feel overwhelm myself. It is difficult to share with your family and friends. No one likes to hear about dying and death. I am glad I have someone to talk to. My Jesus.

 

Jesus is my pillar of strength. He reminds me the reason He places me in palliative care. He reminds me that by caring for the dying, I am sharing His love. He reminds me that he who loves God must love his brother also (1 John 4:21). He gives me the opportunity to share with families these intimate and private moments that I can learn from them. I learned that life is precious. Hope is important. Family are more important than work. Time lost will never return. I learned not to take life for granted and live my life to the fullest. I learned to be grateful for God’s daily blessing. I am grateful for I am still breathing, walking, talking, eating, driving, for all these, my patients lost.

 

Sometimes I wonder why Jesus does not heal my patients. Why God allows suffering? I never get my answer but God speaks to me. He asks me to do my duty faithfully. So I stop asking, just trusting that for everything that happen there must be a reason, even though we may never understand it. For I believe God’s ways are beyond our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts ( Isaiah 55:8-11), so I learn to trust Him and wait upon Him. One thing I know…I will continue to serve as long as I am able, just as Jesus did..the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve ( Mark 10:45). Amen