Calling

‘ Time is limited, I think best to call other family members before she goes so that you guys can say good byes’. These are the words that everyone dreads to hear but these words flow from my mouth frequently. In my line of duty, I am faced with dying and death almost everyday. I take care of patients with life limiting illness and it is not uncommon that I am the one to break this bad news to family members.

 

I believe God’s plan for me is to give comfort for my dying patients. I have come a long way before I ended up in palliative care. I also know we are destined to do something and our destiny will appear if we wait on the Lord. Along my search for God’s plan in my life, God shows me the way. Roman 12:6 says ‘having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them’.

 

Some say that I am brave; some comment that my job must be so depressing. My family still does not understand why I chose this line of specialization. Isn’t medicine about curing and healing? Isn’t medicine about giving life? Isn’t medicine about hope? Yes, yes and yes. Medicine is about curing and healing but when it’s not possible, then it’s about providing comfort. Medicine is about giving life but it’s also about preserving dignity of life during the last hours. Medicine is about hope but hope appears not only in physical healing but also spiritual healing.

 

Dealing with dying is never easy. Not only you have to help the dying patients, you need to make sure their families are taken care as well. Things are overwhelming when emotions are running high. It is not unusual that the families are bombarded with roller coster of feelings – sadness, bitterness, anxiety, fear, all at the same time. Sometimes, I feel like a sponge, absorbing all these feelings into me. It is not long before I am burnt out and feel overwhelm myself. It is difficult to share with your family and friends. No one likes to hear about dying and death. I am glad I have someone to talk to. My Jesus.

 

Jesus is my pillar of strength. He reminds me the reason He places me in palliative care. He reminds me that by caring for the dying, I am sharing His love. He reminds me that he who loves God must love his brother also (1 John 4:21). He gives me the opportunity to share with families these intimate and private moments that I can learn from them. I learned that life is precious. Hope is important. Family are more important than work. Time lost will never return. I learned not to take life for granted and live my life to the fullest. I learned to be grateful for God’s daily blessing. I am grateful for I am still breathing, walking, talking, eating, driving, for all these, my patients lost.

 

Sometimes I wonder why Jesus does not heal my patients. Why God allows suffering? I never get my answer but God speaks to me. He asks me to do my duty faithfully. So I stop asking, just trusting that for everything that happen there must be a reason, even though we may never understand it. For I believe God’s ways are beyond our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts ( Isaiah 55:8-11), so I learn to trust Him and wait upon Him. One thing I know…I will continue to serve as long as I am able, just as Jesus did..the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve ( Mark 10:45). Amen