What God taught me....
I decided to go to Thai...there were fews things in my mind...first of all, I badly needed some break..2008 had not been kind to me and my family and after struggling in almost every area of my life, I was nearly burnt out...I guess I was..I was physically , emotionally, spiritually exhausted..it was a timely decision to leave cause otherwise I would had ended up either in a hospital or a cuckoo nest...
I needed a place away from home to recuperate...from physical tiredness to emotional heartache...and I hope to find refuge for the sake of my own sanity...and I found a sanctuary for healing.Initial days were difficult...probably because I couldn't find rest..My body was extremely tired but I was in so much fear. At that time, I was not aware of my fear of darkness. It took away my restful nights and haunted me for weeks. Instead of the rest I was dying for, I found myself more exhausted than ever...At that point of time I was feeling frustrated. I felt robbed of my time and sanity. It took lotsa prayers and time with God to overcome that fear. I have to admit that the fear has not completely gone, even now..but when I was able to deal with it at those moments..I found myself journeying into a 'space'..
It was difficult to identify this space or describe it ...it was so fleeting..one day it was there, other time it was hiding away from me..but when it was there, I found peace and quietness in my soul.., My thought was.."ahh....this is what I need...REST!". Over months...from a restless soul, I found myself to be 'still'..sometimes I did not even have to think..just being 'presence' and enjoyed the stillness. It was a difficult thing for me to do. Family and friends who knew me know how 'active' or 'moving' I always had been. To remain still was almost next to impossible..yet, during my retreat, I found this stillness almost welcoming.
People says you will hear God when you remain still...It was challenging because every single sound and sight became a distraction and deep down in your heart, you anticipated to hear God's voice...and waited and waited...and when those moments did not appear, doubt creeped in...and there goes you stillness....I heard God's voice...a wonderful and beautiful experience, one that I would never forget and would revisit when I needed Him. But it was not during those time when I was preparing to see Him..not during those prayers, not during those quiet time ..It just happened..when I was not even talking to Him...It just happened like 'that' and what a reassurance that was!.God in His gentle voice says "First..you are my child...." To know God loved and cared for me is so precious to me....I just felt liberated...free from my doubts and insecurities..Rested and resting...I found peace and joy...I found the simplicity of trust rewarding...Being in the sanctuary of God is so peaceful!!
Everything seem to be sailing smoothly..it was not to be...despite the reassurance and rest, the stillness and the joy, God continued to prune me...areas of my life where I was always running away from,God pulled me back and helped me to deal with my 'issues'. One of my issues was dealing with the spiritual darkness...It was never my intention to confront the dark side,but God is really funny sometimes..the more you wanted to run away, the more frequently He would test you in that area...Hai...so earning the name of ghost buster...I learned to deal with dark spirits ... Fear accompany with the joy of victory often came when I won the battle...but to be honest...I was really hoping that was my last training...but again...God can be funny AGAIN!!!
Anger was one of my other issues...I am not always an angry person but short-fused and when that happened, you would see the ugly side of me,which was really unpleasant. Most of the time it had to do with injustice..and to me it was always justified...How often we tried to justify our own actions and behaviors! I would say things or do things that I regretted later...Words lashed out could not be retrieved..and sadly I had hurt people I cared and loved for...and too ashamed to ask for their forgiveness..hoping they would forget about it...Then I learned about the grace of God...how often He forgave us for our mistakes and our wrongs..How we had grieved Him and yet He continues to forgive us..that is grace because we do not deserve it...and the more I learned about His grace..the more I realized how 'ungracious' I had been..towards my family..friends..people that I cared...and gradually ( hopefully for the rest of my life) I learned to be gracious to everyone...
Too many lessons learned during my short stay in Chiang Mai. Spending time with people who loves God and His people was wonderful. Things that they taught me could not never be bought by money...although I am thousands poorer in sense of financial gain...I'm million times richer in my spiritual journey..what could beat that? I found myself and I found God!!!
