How to tell a friend he is dying?

My heart was troubled by the news. A call to tell me that my dear friend’s condition was getting worse and his doctor did not tell him. I felt to mad. How could he not tell? What if he needs to sort out stuffs? What if he dies here? He is not from here and his family is far away. What if he did not get the chance to go home to his family? Does his doctor lack the courage to tell him that he is dying? All this thoughts kept flying in my head and I had a sleepless night.

Should I then let him know? His other friends wanted to do so but none could do it. Tough decision…how to tell a friend that he is dying? It is the hardest when they are closest. I had told hundreds and hundreds of patients and families that their time is short. But when it’s time to tell a friend, it is freaking hard!! But my experiences had taught me many opportunities for good byes are lost. Some with regrets, some are lost.

He was looking better. He seemed to be cheerful. His friends said he was eating better. But the blood results and scan showed he was in a bad shape. I was troubled again…he was getting better, hopeful …should I talk to him about his plan….what if I don’t get the chance again? His friends were worried that we would crush his hope and yet they were worried he would drop dead and no one knows what he wanted. All eyes fell upon me. To be honest I don’t have the heart to have that kind of conversation at that point of time. Maybe next time? But the thought of maybe there isn’t much time kept haunting me. To tell or not to tell…I prayed and prayed. God, tell me what to do. Open an opportunity for me to say what I needed to say…

‘Can we have 5 minutes?’. He was puffing and puffing away. Bad heart. Poor lung. Swollen up ..legs looked like it’s gonna burst anytime. He looked at me. Taking a long deep breath, I started. I asked him about his understanding of his illness. He kept saying, his doctor thought his condition would improve. He was looking forward to do stuffs. Damn that doctor…how to proceed now? Fine..what if you have another heart attack? What if that’s the time you can’t make decision? Trying so hard to slip in the message as gently as possible. No, no, no…doctor said he was gonna be fine. I was getting nowhere. He was not ready to hold this conversation. I tried but failed. Not the time yet. Perhaps never again.

Was he in denial? Initially I thought he was. But then again, in his condition, death probably had visited a couple of times. Was he still having a wishful thinking? I don’t know. Sometimes people are not ready to deal with death even when death is staring at them. He seems afraid but I don’t think he is frightened of death. I think he is more frightened of dying alone. Postponing of end-of-life issue probably is the only way he can cope now. I learned to respect that. As someone who deals with dying all the time, I have my own set of idea what is a good death. Good death means surrounded by family and friends. Good death means having opportunities to say good-byes and settling unfinished business. Good death means able to accept that time is short and knowing it is ok to let go. Good death means free of pain, breathing problem, looking good and good death means finding peace with oneself, loved ones and God. Perhaps that’s what I wanted when I am dying. My own definition of good death. Maybe it is not he wants. Maybe it is not many people wanted. I need to learn that people do die without sorting out many things. Long way to learn,hard to accept people choose to lie to themselves until they die. Hard but something that I need to learn…the heart-breaking way.

Pray for me. I love the way you pray. I asked God to protect and bless him. To love and comfort him. I asked God to give courage and strength to those who are caring for him. I asked God to take away all the discomfort he was experiencing. Finally I asked God to send His angels to watch over him. Good night dear friend..will see you again. Smiling ..yup see ya