MORE QUESTIONS.....

Sigh…more unknown answers!

It is amazing how difficult it is to blog once you have all the activities around you. Although I promised myself to put my thoughts into words but it never seems to happen. For the past few months, there are so many things I wish to put into my blog …things that happened when I returned from Chiangmai…my family story, my travels, my frustration in my spirituality…kept telling myself..come on Feli…it’s long due…do write something. The reason I penned or now I typed down my thoughts is only one..I might get Alzheimers and this is the way I may find myself again…

But last week some interesting topics came into picture. It’s not new…dated as far as I could remember, topic that split and glued people together..aged-old questions..at least for me…It all happened when I had a cup of coffee with a dear friend during a vacation. After chatting for a while, we gently went into the discussion about being single and what next?

We are 2 worlds apart..well,not exactly…just that our personalities are NOT similar…I am an extrovert, he is a introvert. I love to talk, he is more a listener. I love to have activities around me…boy..he will tell ya I’m not lying. And he is more a homely person. But yet we both have something in common, we are both single. One question is - do we deserved to be single? It is not a question that implies singlehood is bad..in fact, it’s just the opposite, being single is too good to be true. But for how long….

I had been in good relationships with men but had experienced my share of bad relationships. Perhaps all my good relationships happened when I was younger..puppy love they called it…great time courting, great time in the relationship but somehow things just didn’t work out…not that any of my old boyfriends had any problems…we were just not meant to be! ( Ish..an excuse..perhaps). Then it’s those bad relationships…when I was a little older..nothing abusive about my men ( Believe me, if they hit me…I’ll make them pay!!!). It’s just they don’t spend time with me..hmmm…was that my interpretation? Whatever it was, my heart was broken, even shattered at one point.

I decided (or did it just happen?), I ended being single. Is it a statement to all the men that I'm OK without them? Is it I am afraid to get hurt again? Or perhaps is it because I know what kind of men I want and do not want to settle for anyone lesser of my expectation? Maybe..just maybe all of the above.

So come back to the question- do I deserved to be single? Being a single, as all the singles will tell you, is about freedom. Freedom to do whatever and whenever you want. To see whomever you want to see. Not to be tight down by routine work ( at home) and do not have to meet others expectations ( husband or in-laws or even some well-meaning relatives/friends). It is all about ME! ME! ME! It’s about having control over your life instead of being control by spouse or circumstances. However, the downside is, loneliness as your companion.

What is loneliness? Being alone and feeling lonely is 2 different things. One is being alone and yet can or will find something or someone to fill their emptiness. The other being feeling dejected, no one to hold and to share your thoughts and dreams. I think this is what leads the fear among the single. Will I grow old as a lonely man/woman? Will there be anyone who will take care of me?

Then comes the question, are you OK being alone? Are you OK feeling lonely? But being lonely does not equate to singlehood. I have known couples that are married for ages feeling lonely despite having their spouse and children around them. I know singles that do not feel lonely despite having to sleep alone at night. So loneliness is subjective(I think??) Am I lonely…Hmm…tough one. Yes and no. This is the privilege of being a woman. We can be indecisive about anything. True..I feel lonely sometimes, not all the times. Perhaps, I do not allow myself to be lonely. There are so many things to learn, zillion things to do, books to read, places to go. But during nights, this is when the loneliness creeps in. When the world around you slows down, when you can hear your thoughts in your head…then maybe some night I have to admit that I do feel lonely. Am I OK with it??? I don’t know. I wish I know but I don’t. I am still able to fill my space and do not allow emptiness to creep in too often. 5 years from now, perhaps I can’t find anything to fill the space anymore. Maybe then I am not OK being alone and lonely.

Sometimes I think too many people are afraid of loneliness. Too many people stay in relationship and marriage as they are fearful what it meant to live life alone. But as for the singles, could it be the powerful force to motivate us to get a life partner? Why do we get a life partner? Some does it because they were in love, some does it because they do not want to be lonely; some does it because it is what is expected out of them. I know some do it because peer or family pressure. Will I do it out of the fear of being lonely? I used to say ‘NEVER’ but now I am not too sure. Will it be fair to my partner if I accept him because I am lonely? Who knows, perhaps he too accepts me because he is lonely. It’s sad or IS IT?

I always tell myself not to look for someone when I am lonely. But then, when do you look? Loneliness is a powerful motivator. Some of my friends say it’s OK to be alone. Are they true to their heart or are they in denial? Are they saying so as an excuse so that they will keep their pride souring high while their heart hit rock bottom?

Today, the same friend said something interesting. If we know we wish to have a family, why are we not looking? I know I hope that I’ll find someone soon but am I looking? Is my friend looking? If not why? If yes, where do we fail? I am guess I am looking for someone to love me and share my life, otherwise I will not agree to go on double dates. But nevertheless, none of those works. I wonder why?

See…more unknown answers. To me and my dear friend..let’s both continue to talk and debate about singlehood till the cows come back (why did I put this expression down?? Beats me)…let’s hope it will not mean too long..meanwhile, are we not suppose to plan for our next trip????? Singlehood…freedom J.