INSOMNIA......

“Let’s see…Already 3.37am? It’s going to be yet another long, long night. Sigh…”

Insomnia – my constant companion since I was 16 years old. I have been having trouble sleeping for the past 22 years. While this may not be a world record among chronic insomniacs, it has certainly been a big problem for me.

So, you ask, what is it like going to bed at 10pm but unable to fall asleep till 4am? Well, for one thing, before I am actually ‘rested’, I am awakened by my alarm at 6.30am to go to work. I have learned that if it is only for a day or two, it does not affect me much. However, when it goes beyond 5 days, then all hell breaks loose. You will see me walking, talking and screaming like a zombie!! Well, not sure if zombies scream, but I sure feel like doing just that!

Anyone unfortunate enough to be within my path will be the victim of my bad mood and behavior. My staff and nurses stay out of my way because I can be really nasty. I know this is not a good testimony, but what can be done? It is humanly impossible to smile when you feel like strangling anyone that annoys you that day. Thank God that this only happens periodically. Otherwise, my boss would probably already have me called in for ‘counselling’ or perhaps sent me off to anger management classes.

The Mayo Clinic defines insomnia as a disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep, or both. With insomnia, you usually awaken feeling unrefreshed, which then takes a toll on your ability to function during the day. Insomnia can sap not only your energy level and mood, but also your health, work performance and quality of life. What a disorder! Oh boy…scientifically, my mind has gone cuckoo!!

Ever since I began having insomnia, I have been trying various methods, techniques, supplements, diets, and meditations to help me to sleep; you name it, from latest medical suggestions, to my ancestors-guaranteed-remedies, to whatever any random magazine suggests – but none of it worked. Thankfully, as my insomnia comes only periodically, I just try to live with it. Something like having a pimple scar; you have it, it is annoying, can’t get rid of it, so just got to live with it. It is  just as Job says in Job 3:26, “I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest but only turmoil.” It is such a sad admission of defeat.

So what do we insomniacs do when we cannot sleep? For one thing, we try our very best to sleep! What do they try? Count sheep? There was once I counted to 2,000 and my sheep started a war in my head. Another suggestion is getting a hot shower before sleep. Well, I can do a spa treatment and still stay awake even after all my muscles are relaxed. It is not the problem of my body; it is all in my head! I can be so tired physically, but unless my mind shuts down, I cannot enjoy the pleasure of a good night’s rest.

Come, let’s get into the psyche of an insomniac. Some say that it is the worried mind, the subconscious dimension of our brain that keeps us awake. So even though we are not aware of it, we can be subconsciously worried, thus causing us to be restless and not able to sleep. Well, this theory does have some kind of scientific evidence, I guess. Some neurologists (brain doctors) have said that it is related to the brain discharging the signals all over the brain, thus no rest.

So was I having a worried mind? Sometimes, perhaps! If work begins to pile up or my family has issues, then I find that I will definitely experience problems sleeping during those periods. But then again, it is not so all the time. Sometimes it happens even when I have no worries (consciously) and am totally relaxed. It occasionally happens even after a good night out with family and friends, with lots of laughter and joy…and I will find that I still cannot fall asleep!

So what is it that goes through my mind when I cannot sleep? Nothing important. Nothing in particular. Nothing exciting unless I choose to make stories out of it. I remember once, I had actually concocted a full Cantonese drama, directed and acted out the full 32 episodes in my insomniac dreams. In hindsight, I should have written it all down – I might have become a famous movie director by now!

Another colleague suggested allowing my mind free rein to run as it pleased. “It will eventually get tired and you will be able to sleep and rest”, she told me. Well, the problem for me is that it ends just one or two hours before dawn. I even tried self-medication and pray and intercede for everything and every one I know of to fall asleep.

So I have this problem and no ‘one’ solution. How do I deal with the ‘monster’ that takes over my head? Maybe the Word of God holds the answer.

Psalm 4:4 says, “Tremble and do not sin: when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent” (NIV). I especially like the translation from the New American Standard Bible (NASB) that says, “Tremble and do not sin: Meditate in your heart upon your bed and be still.” I guess the focus is to learn to be still. I always wonder how people can stay still. People like me are described as the archetypical Type A Personality (basically, a super-hyper person with a high level of stress, and always on the go), and we find it extremely difficult to be still. We multi-task at everything. To be honest, we probably do some work even when we visit the loo! Are you like me? I once sprained my ankle so badly that I was not able to walk and had to rely on crutches to get about. Despite that, I still managed to cook lunch and dinner, and later hopped into my car and drove out! So learning to be ‘still’ sounds almost impossible for me.

I guess the second focus is to learn to meditate. During one of my silent retreats, I remember I was taught to meditate on the word of God. It was so difficult and it took me days to even learn to stay still and begin to meditate. Needless to say, it was difficult to meditate for long.

But God never gave up on me! I learnt to medicate and focus, and sometimes, I manage to do just that. During those nights, I was actually able to sleep better. And I truly treasure those nights when the Word of God put me to sleep, literally. God promises to give us rest. In Exodus 33:14, God declares, “My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest”, and in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

Prayers work too. I remember there was a time when I was having a problem sleeping, and I sent an SOS to my cell group members asking them to pray for me. “Pray for sleep”, I told them. I was almost going nuts because it had been a full 2 weeks of interrupted sleep, and I was not getting enough rest. Physically I was tired and beginning to get ill (by the way, did you know that your body repairs itself during sleep and builds up the immune system?). The prayer SOS worked and I slept like a baby. On hindsight, I realised that I should have asked for prayer sooner!

So in the wee hours of the morning when my mind cannot stop working, I consciously will my mind to meditate on the Word that promises rest. I declare, as the psalmist declared, “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Well, if it does not work, there is always an SOS prayer call, and if that fails too, God help me – it’s back to the pills!

So for those of you who can sleep soundly every single night, do count your blessings because that is the healthiest and most wonderful gift you can ever have! God bless each and every one of you with a wonderful rest tonight!

Sleep tight and always remain thankful! J