Why not ME???

 WHY NOT ME???

 I  was feeling extremely excited! Just a couple of hours more and I would be healed. They said I just need to have faith. I just need to believe that Jesus Christ could heal me and I would be completely healed. My friends helped to push the people around to make way for me. There were thousands of people heading to the stage. I need to reach the stage. I need to reach the preacher. That was my chance to get complete healing and I would not give up.

All I could see were thousands of heads. People were moving slowly towards the stage in the centre the field. I heard prayers and crying. Some were laughing. It was like a carnival. In fact, it was because in this field, thousands had gathered to be healed. I could not even remember the preacher’s name but I heard many were healed by God through him.

My heart was racing. I was feeling dizzy. I was almost crying when I was moving towards the preacher. My friends lifted me up to the platform and as he walked towards me, I was so hopeful. “Please dear Lord, please heal my leg. I wanted to run. I wanted to dance. I wanted to walk beautifully. Not like a cripple where people stared. Not limping while people laughed. I believe! I believe in You! I have faith tonight and I will be healed,” I said a prayer. Then, that was the moment. “BE HEALED MY DAUGHTER! BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART THAT JESUS HAD HEALED YOU!!” I believe!

I stared at my leg. I prayed that it would have strength. And I waited. And waited. People around started to push me away. I was down the stage and still hoping. NOTHING! Perhaps later... I waited, a few hours, a day, few days, few weeks... Nothing! I was still limping. I was still walking ugly. I was still crippled! God did not heal me! God failed me?! Or have I failed God?! Don’t I have enough faith?! I must have had a lot of faith but now look at what happened. Nothing changed, not even a simple muscle twitch. It was gone...my leg...my faith.

Born as a normal child, I had poliomyelitis at the age of one. The virus bad damaged my nerve and thus my right leg was not able to grow. It has no strength. It hang from my body like a beaten rag doll. As far as I remembered, my parents were always  looking for a cure for my leg. Dad and Mom have never given up. They searched for different doctors – Western, Chinese traditional sensei, Malay bomoh, Indian sami – in fact anyone who could offer help, we rushed into their arms. My little heart  broken over and over again when none of them was able to make me walk properly.

I grew up hating the way I walk. I walked on the sideway because I hated the way people stared at me. I hated it when children called me ‘pai ka’ (the crippled). I hated to see my friends play sports while I stayed on the side to keep their belongings safe. I was wishful that some boys would ask me to dance, but always cried when no one does. I hated my leg. I hated myself.

So when I knew about Christ, it gave me hope. Perhaps
 when all failed, Jesus would triumph! He was my last
 chance to walk like a normal girl. Faith healing was my
 only hope. But that was not so. After the incident at the 
healing rally, my hope was gone. When my hope was
 crushed, I had no way to go. Jesus had ‘failed’ me? Jesus did
 not want me to be healed? How could He do that to me? I 
only have one little wish, to be able to walk without feeling
 ashamed. He made the blind see, He made the leper clean and He made the crippled walk. Why not me?

I was bitter for many years. I questioned God why He did not want me to be  normal? I lost faith along  way. A God who does not love me does not deserve my time and energy. I walked away from God. I do not want to relate to a God who does not love me. Over the years, I grew weary. I grew tired. There was just motion of Christianity in my life. Not much meaning. I perform my duty as doctor, daughter, sister, and a friend.

Yet, there was always a void. I heard from somewhere that God designed us in such a way that only He could fill this void. Eventually, the prodigal daughter returned home to her Heavenly Father. But there was a scar in her heart, the disbelief of faith healing. I never believed in faith healing for myself after that.

As I grew older, my faith grew a little every year. Here and there, some testimonies showed me that God does perform miracles. I saw broken people who were healed. Those who have lost hope, found hope in Him. Those without love, found love in Him. I found peace, love and hope again. The only thing that I lost was my faith on complete healing.

Do I trust God? Yes and no. I trust Him in certain things but not all things. I have never doubted that God provides. Not only He has given me a wonderful family, He gave the best of friends, career, and life. Asked if I have any problems that I cannot solve, I will tell you that I have God who would help me. But every time someone mentions that God heals diseases and symptoms, I shy away. I pray for healing for others. I pray for miracles for others.

I do not claim to understand why God left me with a broken leg. I stopped hoping my leg will ever be better. Do I still feel ashamed? Perhaps. I am still uncomfortable looking at mirrors when I walk. It seems like I am staring at a stranger. Although over the years, I have built my self-confidence yet there is always a part of me that is afraid of how people look at me. I am concerned how they would judge me because of how I walk.

Many reminded me that I am a special person. Despite having a broken leg, I am    a successful   I do
things others would have no guts to try. I did sky- diving, I am a certified scuba diver and a well known fund raiser. I party and enjoy my life. So what is my problem? Perhaps it is the disappointment how I did not get what I wanted from God. I did not get the healing I desired so much. Then again, instead of giving me what I want, God has given me more than I imagined. He has given me things I needed more than those I wanted.

Will I ever have the courage to go for altar call for faith healing? I am not able to answer this question now. Perhaps far, far in the future, I might. But in the meantime, I am only a witness to many who will be healed. Should I try? Perhaps one day when the Holy Spirit will soften my heart and prompt to me then, I will step forward in faith. And when that time comes, I pray that I will have the courage to do so.

As of now, I will keep praying for others. I will keep asking God to heal others. I will continue to seek God in my time of need and to share with Him my achievement and joy.