Good bye my friend....

Rest in peace my friend

Received a text that said "dad passed away @ 755".....replied "thanks for letting me know.I will come over later".

Thinking back of the first day we met 3 years ago - he was OK.It was his wife that was not coping. Their niece is a dear friend, she had asked me to see them. It was late in the evening when I reached their home. We were just chatting and at the end of it, we agreed I should see him professionally. That was the day our relationship started. 3 years ago... a long time to be with a patient, in my line of duty .

Over the years, the role of a physician intertwined with being a friend. Trusted as a physician because of my skill but enjoyed the friendship because of connection. We had been through a lot, him and his wife, eventually their children and later on their extended family. We had travel through good times, good food, bad times, sad times. As the days were near, all of us took a roller coaster ride of emotion.

Many said it must be easier for you...you had seen hundreds leaving you. You must have detached emotionally from your patients. My answer is simple,if it gets easier..then it's time for me to leave my profession. When 2 human meet and started to talk, we build relationship. No matter the time together is 2 days or 2 years, a bond is built. Through sharing of life experiences, sometime not saying anything, you feel 'tied' to that person. If you have a relationship..how can you not feel? How can you heal if you do not care?? I can't. Each patient is special to me because of that relationship.

I do not deny that there are patients that I like more than others and this man was one of them. Through sharing, I got to know him and his stories. I got to know his passion and witnessed his strength. I saw how he loved and how much he was loved. I saw a man who took ownership of himself , loving life and his family.

The last few days of his life were extremely hard for his family. It was sad ..but yet I can't help feeling that everything is going to be OK. Strange as it may sound...that at death bed, I saw peace and strength. We human are just plain resilient. Sometimes we fought to gain control when we are about to loose them and at the end of it, we found strength to go on. I guess that's how God wired us...to turn us into precious stone with each fire of pain.

Today I went to send him to his way. Final good- bye I guess. I know this is the last time I'll be seeing his face. I felt sad as I lost another friend. I feel happy because I had given my best. I felt that it is OK to let go. Sometimes we too need our closure. We too need to know that we have done our best. And today I know because I can see that his love ones possess the strength that he had. He left them his legacy as a husband, father, uncle, boss and a dear friend.

oh pain oh pain...why do thee love me so much...

Oh dear what is happening to me?

Those stupid pain...wish it would go away...is it my post polio syndrome acting up on me?? Have I sprained my back? or have I been using too much of those sleeping muscles or have I got BONE cancer??? I think I've tried everything, from drugs ( short of morphine..but I think I took his sister), exercise to massage,but nothing seems to work...why?? WHY??? will this EVER go away? Sometime it is the agony of thought that causes more suffering than the physical itself. NO...I'm not saying the pain is not real...COME ON, I can't straightened my back from sitting or lying position..can you just imagine what kind of torture I have to go through everyday? What I meant is the fear in me has causes more suffering.

One Sunday, after church service I decided to go to the altar for prayers. THAT for me is absolutely not my first choice, but the pain was so great and I'll do anything to get rid of it. Hhmmm.....if you think the pain went off immediately..you are wrong! Again don't misread me, there are many many people who gets healed after prayers...mine is a wee bit sloowwwww....well with still great pain, I drove home. But something happened in that week. Nothing BIG but my pain definitely improved. Slowly day by day, it goes off bit by bit. I can move freely now...short of jumping up and down but it is much bearable.

What changes in that week? Prayers and the little faith that I have. Since I know I am not getting better from medications and alternative treatment, I went back to God.I was like " PLEASE (pleading!!!) God, please take those pain away...I have faith that it will go far far away!!". It is so strange how we always go to God last. Looking back, I have been backslided for awhile. Oh..I still attend CG or church but my heart has not been able to focus. I pray but half way, I think of what to eat, what will I be doing over the weekend or who bitch about me yesterday? As the history goes, it's procrastination or laziness or just don't feel like spending quiet time. I though it is OK...God will understand, He won't mind having one less person chatting with Him. I don't think it's God, I think it's me. It's like my soul is drying up...I hit the spiritual emptiness. And when I am in that spiritual dry 'realm', things just don't seems right. I am not saying God punishes me for not chatting with ( God is bigger person than any human), what I imply is I don't feel 'alive' and that has affected me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's kinda like drug withdrawal symptoms...

In my work, I always approach my patients holistically. I deal with all issues- from physical to emotional to spiritual - so that I can help them to live life as it should be. These 3 elements are intertwined....you cannot separate them without affecting the other. In my case, my spiritual emptiness has causes physical pain ( or not getting better) and emotional pain ( my mood sucks!). No wonder the last one month was not great for me. And the pain has revealed to me the root of my problem.

Hmmmm...I think I have God to thank for???

Anyway, I started to pray and spending time with God again. Gently God spoke to me in many ways and oh..I missed those feeling so much. Call it psychology, call it self help or fulfillment..but I call that connection. Praying for my family and friends, praying for myself, praying for the world is not about feeling good about what you do, it's about what those prayers can do...and I know God listens and in my own small way, I have contribute to betterment of those I love.

Ahhh.... we human never learn...or we often forget so readily. We get too comfortable too often and then we live our live like a zoombie. Day in day out, we do exactly the same thing. Things that used to bring us joy no longer does, sometimes it even become a burden. Then we stop doing it completely. I do that, I believe my family does it, my friends do it even my church...so when we become too comfortable, we become bored. And it takes my pain to bring me back my joy...Hallelujah pain....I love you cause you have brought back meaning to my life...and please don't stay for too long ya...because it still hurts !

MORE QUESTIONS.....

Sigh…more unknown answers!

It is amazing how difficult it is to blog once you have all the activities around you. Although I promised myself to put my thoughts into words but it never seems to happen. For the past few months, there are so many things I wish to put into my blog …things that happened when I returned from Chiangmai…my family story, my travels, my frustration in my spirituality…kept telling myself..come on Feli…it’s long due…do write something. The reason I penned or now I typed down my thoughts is only one..I might get Alzheimers and this is the way I may find myself again…

But last week some interesting topics came into picture. It’s not new…dated as far as I could remember, topic that split and glued people together..aged-old questions..at least for me…It all happened when I had a cup of coffee with a dear friend during a vacation. After chatting for a while, we gently went into the discussion about being single and what next?

We are 2 worlds apart..well,not exactly…just that our personalities are NOT similar…I am an extrovert, he is a introvert. I love to talk, he is more a listener. I love to have activities around me…boy..he will tell ya I’m not lying. And he is more a homely person. But yet we both have something in common, we are both single. One question is - do we deserved to be single? It is not a question that implies singlehood is bad..in fact, it’s just the opposite, being single is too good to be true. But for how long….

I had been in good relationships with men but had experienced my share of bad relationships. Perhaps all my good relationships happened when I was younger..puppy love they called it…great time courting, great time in the relationship but somehow things just didn’t work out…not that any of my old boyfriends had any problems…we were just not meant to be! ( Ish..an excuse..perhaps). Then it’s those bad relationships…when I was a little older..nothing abusive about my men ( Believe me, if they hit me…I’ll make them pay!!!). It’s just they don’t spend time with me..hmmm…was that my interpretation? Whatever it was, my heart was broken, even shattered at one point.

I decided (or did it just happen?), I ended being single. Is it a statement to all the men that I'm OK without them? Is it I am afraid to get hurt again? Or perhaps is it because I know what kind of men I want and do not want to settle for anyone lesser of my expectation? Maybe..just maybe all of the above.

So come back to the question- do I deserved to be single? Being a single, as all the singles will tell you, is about freedom. Freedom to do whatever and whenever you want. To see whomever you want to see. Not to be tight down by routine work ( at home) and do not have to meet others expectations ( husband or in-laws or even some well-meaning relatives/friends). It is all about ME! ME! ME! It’s about having control over your life instead of being control by spouse or circumstances. However, the downside is, loneliness as your companion.

What is loneliness? Being alone and feeling lonely is 2 different things. One is being alone and yet can or will find something or someone to fill their emptiness. The other being feeling dejected, no one to hold and to share your thoughts and dreams. I think this is what leads the fear among the single. Will I grow old as a lonely man/woman? Will there be anyone who will take care of me?

Then comes the question, are you OK being alone? Are you OK feeling lonely? But being lonely does not equate to singlehood. I have known couples that are married for ages feeling lonely despite having their spouse and children around them. I know singles that do not feel lonely despite having to sleep alone at night. So loneliness is subjective(I think??) Am I lonely…Hmm…tough one. Yes and no. This is the privilege of being a woman. We can be indecisive about anything. True..I feel lonely sometimes, not all the times. Perhaps, I do not allow myself to be lonely. There are so many things to learn, zillion things to do, books to read, places to go. But during nights, this is when the loneliness creeps in. When the world around you slows down, when you can hear your thoughts in your head…then maybe some night I have to admit that I do feel lonely. Am I OK with it??? I don’t know. I wish I know but I don’t. I am still able to fill my space and do not allow emptiness to creep in too often. 5 years from now, perhaps I can’t find anything to fill the space anymore. Maybe then I am not OK being alone and lonely.

Sometimes I think too many people are afraid of loneliness. Too many people stay in relationship and marriage as they are fearful what it meant to live life alone. But as for the singles, could it be the powerful force to motivate us to get a life partner? Why do we get a life partner? Some does it because they were in love, some does it because they do not want to be lonely; some does it because it is what is expected out of them. I know some do it because peer or family pressure. Will I do it out of the fear of being lonely? I used to say ‘NEVER’ but now I am not too sure. Will it be fair to my partner if I accept him because I am lonely? Who knows, perhaps he too accepts me because he is lonely. It’s sad or IS IT?

I always tell myself not to look for someone when I am lonely. But then, when do you look? Loneliness is a powerful motivator. Some of my friends say it’s OK to be alone. Are they true to their heart or are they in denial? Are they saying so as an excuse so that they will keep their pride souring high while their heart hit rock bottom?

Today, the same friend said something interesting. If we know we wish to have a family, why are we not looking? I know I hope that I’ll find someone soon but am I looking? Is my friend looking? If not why? If yes, where do we fail? I am guess I am looking for someone to love me and share my life, otherwise I will not agree to go on double dates. But nevertheless, none of those works. I wonder why?

See…more unknown answers. To me and my dear friend..let’s both continue to talk and debate about singlehood till the cows come back (why did I put this expression down?? Beats me)…let’s hope it will not mean too long..meanwhile, are we not suppose to plan for our next trip????? Singlehood…freedom J.

Reflection..

What God taught me....

I decided to go to Thai...there were fews things in my mind...first of all, I badly needed some break..2008 had not been kind to me and my family and after struggling in almost every area of my life, I was nearly burnt out...I guess I was..I was physically , emotionally, spiritually exhausted..it was a timely decision to leave cause otherwise I would had ended up either in a hospital or a cuckoo nest...

I needed a place away from home to recuperate...from physical tiredness to emotional heartache...and I hope to find refuge for the sake of my own sanity...and I found a sanctuary for healing.Initial days were difficult...probably because I couldn't find rest..My body was extremely tired but I was in so much fear. At that time, I was not aware of my fear of darkness. It took away my restful nights and haunted me for weeks. Instead of the rest I was dying for, I found myself more exhausted than ever...At that point of time I was feeling frustrated. I felt robbed of my time and sanity. It took lotsa prayers and time with God to overcome that fear. I have to admit that the fear has not completely gone, even now..but when I was able to deal with it at those moments..I found myself journeying into a 'space'..

It was difficult to identify this space or describe it ...it was so fleeting..one day it was there, other time it was hiding away from me..but when it was there, I found peace and quietness in my soul.., My thought was.."ahh....this is what I need...REST!". Over months...from a restless soul, I found myself to be 'still'..sometimes I did not even have to think..just being 'presence' and enjoyed the stillness. It was a difficult thing for me to do. Family and friends who knew me know how 'active' or 'moving' I always had been. To remain still was almost next to impossible..yet, during my retreat, I found this stillness almost welcoming.

People says you will hear God when you remain still...It was challenging because every single sound and sight became a distraction and deep down in your heart, you anticipated to hear God's voice...and waited and waited...and when those moments did not appear, doubt creeped in...and there goes you stillness....I heard God's voice...a wonderful and beautiful experience, one that I would never forget and would revisit when I needed Him. But it was not during those time when I was preparing to see Him..not during those prayers, not during those quiet time ..It just happened..when I was not even talking to Him...It just happened like 'that' and what a reassurance that was!.God in His gentle voice says "First..you are my child...." To know God loved and cared for me is so precious to me....I just felt liberated...free from my doubts and insecurities..Rested and resting...I found peace and joy...I found the simplicity of trust rewarding...Being in the sanctuary of God is so peaceful!!

Everything seem to be sailing smoothly..it was not to be...despite the reassurance and rest, the stillness and the joy, God continued to prune me...areas of my life where I was always running away from,God pulled me back and helped me to deal with my 'issues'. One of my issues was dealing with the spiritual darkness...It was never my intention to confront the dark side,but God is really funny sometimes..the more you wanted to run away, the more frequently He would test you in that area...Hai...so earning the name of ghost buster...I learned to deal with dark spirits ... Fear accompany with the joy of victory often came when I won the battle...but to be honest...I was really hoping that was my last training...but again...God can be funny AGAIN!!!

Anger was one of my other issues...I am not always an angry person but short-fused and when that happened, you would see the ugly side of me,which was really unpleasant. Most of the time it had to do with injustice..and to me it was always justified...How often we tried to justify our own actions and behaviors! I would say things or do things that I regretted later...Words lashed out could not be retrieved..and sadly I had hurt people I cared and loved for...and too ashamed to ask for their forgiveness..hoping they would forget about it...Then I learned about the grace of God...how often He forgave us for our mistakes and our wrongs..How we had grieved Him and yet He continues to forgive us..that is grace because we do not deserve it...and the more I learned about His grace..the more I realized how 'ungracious' I had been..towards my family..friends..people that I cared...and gradually ( hopefully for the rest of my life) I learned to be gracious to everyone...

Too many lessons learned during my short stay in Chiang Mai. Spending time with people who loves God and His people was wonderful. Things that they taught me could not never be bought by money...although I am thousands poorer in sense of financial gain...I'm million times richer in my spiritual journey..what could beat that? I found myself and I found God!!!

My Greatest Challenge!

Silent Retreat!!

Yup..you heard me right! My biggest and greatest challenge is indeed keeping my mouth shut. Not jumping off a plane or traveling by myself or even ghost busting in Chiang Mai. I first heard about this kind of retreat from a dear friend in Malaysia. He told me that he went to a retreat that no one is allowed to talk..after awhile, he could even sensed his eye brow twitching...Hmm..in my mind..this man must be cuckoo liao! And when someone suggested that I should try...hehe...I said 'over my dead body!!!" But yet, when another good friend shared about her experience in the Seven Fountains...I was tempted to try...then God said 'GO!' and I packed my stuff the next day..Dun main-main with God lo...

The big question was what am I suppose to do there? What do I want to get during my 3D/2N stay in this place. I really had no idea. But then the same friend reminded me that I wanted to uncluttered my mind. So that was my mission...to clear my mind and see if I could see things clearer or not. When I checked out the place, it wasn't bad at all...I oredi liked it before I moved in. They offer spiritual guide, if I want. Hm...maybe that was my loop hole..to talk to priest..then not total silent lo..so I signed up for the spiritual guide...I hope I won't drive the priest nut! God bless whoever was getting me..

There I was the first day, the priest wanna meet me. Father Puspho is such a sweet gentleman. I like him immediately. He is very calm in his manner and he is very polite. He is just what I imagined a Catholic priest to be like. He was like..what is the reason for your retreat?? ..I was like..ehhhhh, not really sure. But I told him about my intention to uncluttered my mind. OK, let's just try this...focus and meditate, then reflect..and we will talk tomorrow..same place, same time..woo....this is SERIOUS!!

The walk to the labyrinth...the nature is so beautiful...

I took my bible, journals, some paper ( just in case I feel artistic!) and went to the garden.Even as I was walking towards the garden, the was a sense of peace in this place. I went to my first 'shalaa'..and guess what greeted me?? A green snake just dropped from the roof and slitering away..there went my peace!!! I detoured to the next 'shalaa' and looked around..just to make sure no snake awaited me..then I began to relax..

The 'shalaa' for us to read, meditate or just enjoy the nature

If you focus..you can see butterlies teasing one another above the bush!!

Focus! Father Puspho asked me to focus on an object and breath slowly..and focus and focus...I tried and tried...but kept getting disracted by the butterlies playing with its mate, or lizards moving above me, or the birds chirping happily...How to focus la...after trying for 10 mins ( by the way, it's a long time for me OK), I picked a bible passage that read, "Come to me , all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, that you may find rest upon your soul, as my yoke is easy and my burden is light" ( For the benefit of you who dun know me..that was the first time I could memorize verses without looking at my bible OK). As I began to meditate on these word, I dun see why God chose these words for me. I came here and rested..why rest more...I keep on meditating..and when I opened my journal, I had nothing special to write. No out of the world experience, no extreme emotional experince, nothing..well, I would try again tomorrow...

My chosen place for meditation and reflection..The same day, it rained. It's God's wonderful painting when there is rain and sunshine dancing among the bamboos...Just beautiful...and peaceful

An uninvited intruder..now I know why the green snake hang around.. I am sharing my space with lizards, snails, butterlfies, bees and how could I forget...mosquitos...

Next day..Dialogue with Father Puspho...to my surprised when I shared with him about my experience, something changed. The 'nothingness' of yesterday changed. When I began to unload my experience, I began to feel a burden which I shared with Father P. Slowly but eventually, my heart opened up. I shared things that I didn't even realize disturbed me. It was about my past 1 year experience. My pain, my hurt, my wound....all poured out..not with bitterness, no tears..just stories. Embrace it my child, he says. Our experience is who we are. Dun have to run away, just take it with you and then offer it to God. Today, rest...and experience God..

The sense of peace and quietness inside a church can be so heart warming..especially if you have the whole chapel for yourself..I sang and sang for my Lord

I felt a sense stillness.The stillness is my heart is so..still...I dun know what to do. I walked towards the labyrinth. It's a maze like garden where you could walk towards some symbolic stones and then walk back..I walked in...took a stone, told God, I would like to leave everything to Him pleasee..then I walked and walked and continue walking...by the end of the walk, I got pain on my legs and limped back to my room...

The labyrinth is a symbolic place for christian pilgramage in Jerusalem. When we walked in, we have all the burden of the world. We reached out and gave everthing to Him..and then we walked out with freedom in our heart!

My humble room ...

Journaling is such a powerful tool..I began to journal my conversation with God and Father Puspho..the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write..I couldn't stop..I wrote and wrote and wrote and believe it or not..I wrote till 1 pen had no more ink...But as I wrote, I began to gain understanding, I began to be aware and things are clearer to me. The things that bugged me for a while began to clear up...my past, present and future...pieces of puzzle began to fit...

Sometimes I just lied on the bench and looked upwards...I always knew I loved bamboo...but enjoying this view was really something else..

Next day..more talking...So, Father Puspho asked..how was your experience...and again we had a wonderful session. Talking to him cleared my mind..He gentle directed me to where I had doubt and challenged me about my thoughts. I liked when he said, things are quite clear, not concrete yet...pray and it will be clearer. He taught me about being the child of God. He taught about a prayerful life. He spoke about forgiveness..The funny thing was..I knew all about these..although I wouldn't say I am the most pious person in the world, I knew it all....but to experience it first hand was an awesome experience...

Sometimes, I just sat under this old ancient tree...I felt the strength and the solidness of the spirit of the tree..

I had been reading some books from a writter by the name Henri Nouven. It was an amazing journey reading his book. I was reading about how God's first love for us. When we talked about first love, I used to think it is the first time we loved God. The time when we became a Christian. How wrong was I!!!...It was and always will be about God's first love for us!! Silly me..and I had been missing this message for so so long....I am His beloved child..and He has always always loves me...How great is that!!

But the most amazing experience during these few days was the last day of my stay. I woke up and heard a still voice telling me this..."First, you are a child of God, then man(human)" My Heavenly Father reassured me about my identity in His presence and His love...I should claim this identity before I claim my other identity in this world..I just smiled!...

The bamboo forest... I spent many hours here..

So, at the end of it...even though I did not speak to other retreaters, I enjoyed it tremendously. I re-found my identity, I felt His presence, I forgave alot of people, I am clearer about my future....and no ..I did not manage to do what I came to do..to uncluttered my mind...but hey..who cares!!!

The ladies' adventure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW.....what a week..or 2

I was waiting and waiting and waiting and my partner in crime finally arrived from Malaysia...haha...Daphine oredi lost her way the first day she was in Chiang Mai....she went looking for me in my neighbour house!

The journey began with riding on a tuk - tuk...you see how scared she was ah???
Scared that she will fly out wo....

Our usual breakfast place...very good and reasonable priced American breakfast (ABF)!!!

Hardly have time 2 rest, we were invited to go for makan in Nargis's place...ah...beautiful place, good food, wonderful friends..what more can we ask for....

And few days later, we gate crashed a wedding at The Chedi ..
before that must 'pan leng leng' mah!!

The wedding is so lovely...the place too...not to mention good food again...

The best thing is I got to make a wish....
hope that stupid aeroplane dun crash into it before it reach the angels!!!

Then it's the arrival of our dear Molly...look at her, her look fit more into a hospital than in airport...Hmm.. Daphine kept asking her if she washed her hand or not!!We dun wan H1N1 la..

Ah...what fun we had...we did LOTSA SHOPPING, pampering ourselves with massages ( 3X a week), hot herb compress, manicure and pedicure...more shoppping...and shopping...and shopping ( too many shopping...cannot take photo anymore..)

First thing first...ABF

Daphine tak tahu malu...she was trying out pant in the middle of the walking street!! Haiyah..

Beautiful nails.....

Guess which one is mine!!

We went nothward..

White temple in Chiang Rai...
the architecture is just beautiful although some of the statues are very scary...

Even the fishes are white!!!

We visited the hilltribes village...

I almost kill the front desk boy...said the trecking is not hard...
not hard my FOOT!!It wasn't easy but with my bodyguard and kawan-kawan...I managed la..

Long neck tribe..Her necklace weight 5Kg....ouch..

This weight 3Kg...

We move on to Golden Triangle ...borders of 3 countries..
Thai, Myanmar and Laos...ee...the river very muddy....

before going to Mae Sai ( nothern most city of Thailand). Mae Sai is the border town...I need to go to Mynamar for my visa run...

And here we are...walking across the border...Myanmar..here we come..

Shopping for 'stones'

We also visited the oldest temple in Chiang Mai...Molly sacrifice a pants worth of cash to buy the bell..so that ONLY Molly, Daphine and Feli..have peace and love...hmm...I asked her to put wealth too..but she forgot to write it down..No wonder we so pokai after the shopping la...

After all the fun...time to work!!

The KCBB ladies came to Chiang Mai for the launching of the Living Water Center and
Living Word Library (sponsored by KCBB)...

I put this picture in simply because lotsa people say I look beautiful...
wakakaka...thank you photographer...

After all the hard work...time to treat ourselves..that's when Charlie took us to
'Love at First Bite'...here are what we hogged!!

The rest of the remaining time...jalan jalan, makan makan, main main.....

With the lady boys...

Feli is really hungry after a long day..

A restaurant with blooms....this time..tulips...hmm...smell really good!!!

Molly pretended to buy mint...she was actually looking at the condom ...

Thankgiving dinner by the Wongs..yummy!!

And busy posting everything into facebook to make others jealous ma...wahaha...we had so much fun and others have to work.... :)

The truth is once the ladies left...I collapsed...sakit tulang, sakit kaki, sakit belakang for few days....but it is worth every single pain coz I had so much fun with Daphine and Molly...thanks ladies for coming...I had fun..hope you did too...oh yeah...they overstuffed their bag with their ....you know what la!!!