Those stupid pain...wish it would go away...is it my post polio syndrome acting up on me?? Have I sprained my back? or have I been using too much of those sleeping muscles or have I got BONE cancer??? I think I've tried everything, from drugs ( short of morphine..but I think I took his sister), exercise to massage,but nothing seems to work...why?? WHY??? will this EVER go away? Sometime it is the agony of thought that causes more suffering than the physical itself. NO...I'm not saying the pain is not real...COME ON, I can't straightened my back from sitting or lying position..can you just imagine what kind of torture I have to go through everyday? What I meant is the fear in me has causes more suffering.
One Sunday, after church service I decided to go to the altar for prayers. THAT for me is absolutely not my first choice, but the pain was so great and I'll do anything to get rid of it. Hhmmm.....if you think the pain went off immediately..you are wrong! Again don't misread me, there are many many people who gets healed after prayers...mine is a wee bit sloowwwww....well with still great pain, I drove home. But something happened in that week. Nothing BIG but my pain definitely improved. Slowly day by day, it goes off bit by bit. I can move freely now...short of jumping up and down but it is much bearable.
What changes in that week? Prayers and the little faith that I have. Since I know I am not getting better from medications and alternative treatment, I went back to God.I was like " PLEASE (pleading!!!) God, please take those pain away...I have faith that it will go far far away!!". It is so strange how we always go to God last. Looking back, I have been backslided for awhile. Oh..I still attend CG or church but my heart has not been able to focus. I pray but half way, I think of what to eat, what will I be doing over the weekend or who bitch about me yesterday? As the history goes, it's procrastination or laziness or just don't feel like spending quiet time. I though it is OK...God will understand, He won't mind having one less person chatting with Him. I don't think it's God, I think it's me. It's like my soul is drying up...I hit the spiritual emptiness. And when I am in that spiritual dry 'realm', things just don't seems right. I am not saying God punishes me for not chatting with ( God is bigger person than any human), what I imply is I don't feel 'alive' and that has affected me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's kinda like drug withdrawal symptoms...
In my work, I always approach my patients holistically. I deal with all issues- from physical to emotional to spiritual - so that I can help them to live life as it should be. These 3 elements are intertwined....you cannot separate them without affecting the other. In my case, my spiritual emptiness has causes physical pain ( or not getting better) and emotional pain ( my mood sucks!). No wonder the last one month was not great for me. And the pain has revealed to me the root of my problem.
Hmmmm...I think I have God to thank for???
Anyway, I started to pray and spending time with God again. Gently God spoke to me in many ways and oh..I missed those feeling so much. Call it psychology, call it self help or fulfillment..but I call that connection. Praying for my family and friends, praying for myself, praying for the world is not about feeling good about what you do, it's about what those prayers can do...and I know God listens and in my own small way, I have contribute to betterment of those I love.
Ahhh.... we human never learn...or we often forget so readily. We get too comfortable too often and then we live our live like a zoombie. Day in day out, we do exactly the same thing. Things that used to bring us joy no longer does, sometimes it even become a burden. Then we stop doing it completely. I do that, I believe my family does it, my friends do it even my church...so when we become too comfortable, we become bored. And it takes my pain to bring me back my joy...Hallelujah pain....I love you cause you have brought back meaning to my life...and please don't stay for too long ya...because it still hurts !
